Greetings,
Keeping true to the tradition set last year, I figure what better way to start off 2012 then by listing the top 10 shittiest albums of 2011. Yes, these were the most notable albums responsible for spreading the incurable "poseur-cancer" known as "Black metal AIDS" around the scene in 2011. Naturally, just about 99.999% of this years known black metal releases deserve a spot on this list, but these select few should do just fine.
Note that I also designed this post in an "printer-friendly" check-list format, so you may take it with you next time you go shopping with your parents at Mal-Wart or Best Buy. So without any further interruption, lets see whats going on at the awards ceremony shall we?
The crowd seems to be pouring in right now... glad to see so many people think modern day black metal fucking sucks mule dick.... Naturally, this event is being held in an undisclosed underground bunker of sorts and invites were only sent out to the most noteworthy tape/vinyl traders and underground black metal artists alike.
Oh dear, it looks like members of Watain unwisely decided to stop by. Too bad they were not invited, and probably thought this was the MTV Awards, where they were to pick up a cash-money prize for being the most profitable Black Metal band of the year. Sorry, guys, no Grammy winners allowed here. Please report back to your stretch hummer above ground.
"bbooooooo!!! Boooooo!!! Hiisss hissssssssssss! You FUCKING SUCK!"
It looks like things have just begun to settle down, so let us begin!
10) Craft - Void
Soon to be Grammy winning pop icons of Scandinavia, Craft secure the 10th spot on the list with ease. As you all know, we here at TABME page have always predicted the sellout status of this band, and at no point have we ever truly supported them (except for their failure)! Bonus points for the not using black metal font, and having a shitty album cover in general.
9) Blut aus Nord - 777 Sect(s)
Wow, Blut aus Nord have managed to do the impossible with this album, and I will give them complete credit. "777Sect(s)" appears to be the band's creative attempt of recreating the audio-visualization of a whale taking a massive shit in the ocean. Not only that, but then they packaged it and sold it as an album to unsuspecting hipsters for mass profit! Good work Blut aus Nord, because it had the thick rimmed hipster community in an uproar over how "genre defying" and important the album was in relation to the evolution of black metal (something every true elitist is against mind you). Every time you see some scene kid rave about this album, it's almost guaranteed they watch Family Guy and play Pokemon daily.
8) Blut aus Nord - 777 Desanctifaction
Blut aus Nord must have been extremely eager to try and make it onto my list of shittiest albums of 2011, so to secure their spot, they released a second album 2011 called "777 Defecation" or some shit like that. Right off the bat, the listener's audio channels are assaulted with a thumping bass filled "skip-hop" beat, which apparently is fairly comon in the French BM scene nowadays. On top of the mind-numbing rap influences on this album, it still feature non-stop whale defecation visualizations much like the last album. NEXT.
7) Kampfar – Mare
Right off the bat we are confronted with a problem on the new Kampfar release. Instead of focusing their attention on good song writing (something which has been absent in this band since 1997), Kampfar take another forgettable audio trip down "rat shit lane"and even tack on a a dedication to the release reading: "Mare is dedicated to the women who chose to walk their own path."... Yeah, a path alright... More like the path right back into the kitchen to get me an expensive imported beer, and then to turn this audio abortion of an album off before anymore of my precious hearing is lost. "Inspirational" message aside , the music is dull and boring- something Kampfar have been good at producing since their debut. Oh yeah, the album artwork blows also as you can tell...
6) Glorior Belli - The Great Southern Darkness
I'd expect the ultimate in "shitty Dimebag worship/black metal" to hail from the bible belt portion of the USA, but oddly enough France holds this embarrassing achievement. Glorior Belli continuously humiliate their country and it's laughable Black Metal scene. The fact that Pantera's brand of shitty music gave influence to a European band is embarrassing enough. If you want a good laugh or hate France in general, pop in The Great Southern Trendki- uuuhhh I mean Darkness...
5) Gorgoroth- Under the Sign of Hell 2011
Here is a great idea: Re-record the last classic album by this band that captured the raw and negative nature of mankind, slap a "2011" date to the end of the title, and use it to paint a picture of everything wrong in the "Norwegian $cene" nowadays. Surprisingly the vast majority of people actually took a shit on this album, giving these mallcore critics some minor credit.
4) Burzum - From the Depths of Darkness
Up and coming hipster icon Varg Vikernes, who is obviously not immune to selling his pagan soul for vasts amounts of money, decidedly put out a whopping two albums this past year. However unlike Blood From North, I will only focus on one (Fallen most likely still resides on the top 10 on the UK Pop Charts). From the Depths of Darkness is flat out horse shit. Don't even bother trying to tell me it's worth a second listen, because I knew this album was shit within the first 10 seconds of listening to it. You see, Varg has become aware of his teenage "X-hand" fan base who will buy anything he puts out, because it's "cool". Teens=money, money=new farm animals/tools. So scrap that whole "I will only put out two more albums and call it quits" talk. There is a new tool shed to be built!
3) Lifelover - Sjukdom
Well no surprise Lifelover's final album was bloated pile of dogshit. What a shame, but it was to be expected. B will be missed... not by me of course, but his cry baby wanna be "suicidal" fans. Anyway lets move past this train wreck onto our next album, as I have already discussed this festering rat child of an album in previous posts.
2) Leviathan - True Traitor, True Whore
After the abysmal last album, Wrest looked liked he was taking the right path and entering jail, never to release another album. I would like to think Wrest was incarcerated for not only his crimes in the West Coast USBM scene, but also Black Metal in general. However I have come to terms that forcible sodomy is good enough. So with his release, Wrest signs to hipster haven Profound Lore Records and unfortunately puts out another album. Go figure that Wrest now resembles the majority of his fan base- overly tattooed beard-neck homeless runaways, who wear whatever black metal shirt they can find at a thrift store regardless if it's the right size. Don't bother defending this album... you will only look even more stupid than you already do with that Mastadon shirt and those tight black jeans.
Well the time has come... It's now time to finally find out who will claim the number one spot for the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011...
over polished/triggered-double bass drum roll (produced and engineered at The Abyss studio) please....
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1) Every "hipster/shoegaze black metal" release of 2011
Yes, last year might as well just be labeled "Year of the Hipster" or "The year Black Metal died for the 20th consecutive year". It was impossible to pin-point one specific release for the number one spot, so noting they all share the same shitty unbelievable sub-genre of black metal, I decided to place them all in one giant smelly pile of shit for the number one position.
"Beardnecks", "thick-rimmers", "pot heads who steal your shit when your high"... whatever you want to call them, they are America's plague and are quickly spreading all over the globe. One thing is for certain, I will not give up the fight against these wanna-be homeless "musicians". My very own record shop even has a "no-hipster" policy and customers are constantly screened before entering to look at vinyl.
Congratulations for your noble attempts at destroying my beloved scene, you sorry ass beardnecks.
2012: THE CURRENT STATE OF BLACK METAL
And here to present our winners of the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011 award, it's Sweden's very own Justin Timberlake!
And with that said, 2012 has a lot of interesting posts ahead of us...
We shall see which ones make the cut.
Until next time, keep dreaming that you're part of my elitist circle...
Regards,
-ABME
