ABME Movie Review: Troll Hunter

Greetings,

Well seeing that my last movie review was highly successful, I have decided to venture out and waste money on another movie that all the scene kids are gawking about. Unfortunately the only place showing this movie was in Washington DC... at an ART HOUSE cinema complex. So I packed my bags and prepared a black metal playlist featuring first tier black metal bands exclusively. Pulling up to the theater I noticed some beardnecks standing outside with their beanies and nut crushing pants on. Dear satan almighty... I closed my eyes and ignored them. So after a four hour drive and 15 imported beers later, we had finally arrived and I was getting anxious.

It was time to see the film in question for tonight's review...

Norway's very own TROLL HUNTER!






















Now some of you may ask: "But ABME, why are you reviewing this movie? It has nothing to do with black metal."

Correct (for once) you are. However, anyone who listens to any form of Euro-metal knows this movie exists and is considered one of the most important "Metal Head Must See" films of the year. I mean its about TROLLS who eat christians, which I think the majority of metal heads would agree with as being "T0taLy Sick BraH!" or something stupid like that.

SO before I start, here is the trailer with English subtitles. I know not all of you cannot fluently speak Norse like I can...



The film starts off showcasing what Norwegians are typically good at; talking way too much and hunting bears and shit. Anyway this crew of three college kids go to find this guy they suspect who is killing the bears, and wouldn't you know it... he actually hunting TROLLS. Well our troll hunter guy sounds eerily familiar to Gaahl. In fact the final scene of this movie takes place in a cabin in a barren snow covered mountain range.

Creepy... in "Gaahl interview" sort of way.

Anyway the college kids follow the Troll Hunter into different locations looking for various trolls and really that's about it. I am not going to say much more about the plot because it literally could give the entire ending away. Lots of boring talk and shaky camera shit everywhere, and sadly no one in the theater puked because of the shakiness. That would have been worth my $20.

(Left: Expect lots of running and falling; mostly by the female lead who serves no purpose in the movie because there is not one nude scene involving her.)



The movie goes on and on about trolls, but felt more like a National Geographic movie on scenic Norway (which isn't bad, but seeing I have been to Norway a zillion times makes it really nothing special). The Trolls are of the worst caliber CGI I have seen in some time. I honestly thought I was viewing Sega Saturn era computer graphics in some scenes. The shitty CGI in Lord of the Rings was more convincing than this. One scene where a troll grabs our Troll Hunter hero and slams him into the side of a bridge was so fucking unrealistic I almost urinated all over the guy in front of me because I was laughing so hard. I know the movie is considered "low budget" but there is shit of SyFy about Megacrocs fighting some other form of inbred animal that feature better CGI than this.


(Left: The CGI in the movie was absolutely appalling. Yeah it was THAT bad.)
















So after an exhausting two hours of mostly talk and idiots tripping during crucial plot segments, the movie ends with some punch line that I did not get because I had found scratching my balls more entertaining at the given moment. The movie drew to a close and I started to gather all my things when the credits began to roll. I was half way down reaching for my popcorn bag which had scattered on the floor when I heard a familiar and horrifying sound...

A trendy guitar riff started to play...

"No! I cant BE!!" I thought to myself...

But it was true...

My stomach and heart sank as seconds stretched to lifetimes.

It was true... KVELERTAK was playing during the end credits!!!!!

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-















OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listing to Kvelertak blasting in Dolby Digital Surround Sound reminded me of a distinct pain I felt as a child when I was so overly constipated I literally felt my asshole rip apart.

Realizing I was in danger, I quickly began searching for the emergency exits. The beardnecks I had seen earlier were jumping up and down in the seats, throwing popcorn and headbanging. They became more violent and agitated as the song neared the Nirvana chorus. I ran between the isles but then I saw a tattooed arm with a plaid sleeve grab me; then wrapping around me and spilling his Pabst Blue Ribbon all over my import shirt. The drunken hipster began shouting the chorus off cue right in my face. Frightened I pretended to sing along to Kvelertak's retarded lyrics and thankfully he let me go; only to immediately find a popcorn bucket and place it on his head which he head banged proudly with in a barbaric act of stupidity. I fled through the side exit and managed to escape with my elitist dignity intact.

Final Score: D-
-Bad CGI and horrible choice of end credit music killed the movie.

THE END
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On a side note it's worth pointing out the differences between the US and Norwegian version. I guess the US distributors felt that Americans would not understand the film because it lacked rampant product placement ads littered through out the film. This would confuse the American film goer as they are instead forced to watch an actual story unfold without a quarter-pounder being shoved in their face. The overseas distributor not liking any part of this, went back and placed some adds using CGI. Below are two prime examples where this is used that I was able to locate on the web. Click the pictures to enlarge.

Exhibit A)











Exhibit B)









So yeah... I am $28 in the hole not only for that goddamn art house charging $8 for their "organic gourmet" popcorn but also because Norway has failed me once again. Norway should now be noted as land of sell-out Shagrath/polished black metal and CGI trolls.

Stay tuned as I continue my righteous blackened warpath on the weak. I will have a special "guest" writer doing a post, and of course I have a mailbag full of angry messages to read and comment on.

Regards,
-ABME