You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The WORST "Black Metal" Albums of 2011




Greetings,

Keeping true to the tradition set last year, I figure what better way to start off 2012 then by listing the top 10 shittiest albums of 2011. Yes, these were the most notable albums responsible for spreading the incurable "poseur-cancer" known as "Black metal AIDS" around the scene in 2011. Naturally, just about 99.999% of this years known black metal releases deserve a spot on this list, but these select few should do just fine.

Note that I also designed this post in an "printer-friendly" check-list format, so you may take it with you next time you go shopping with your parents at Mal-Wart or Best Buy.  So without any further interruption, lets see whats going on at the awards ceremony shall we?


The crowd seems to be pouring in right now... glad to see so many people think modern day black metal fucking sucks mule dick.... Naturally, this event is being held in an undisclosed underground bunker of sorts and invites were only sent out to the most noteworthy tape/vinyl traders and underground black metal artists alike.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hdK6qvoq-1M/Tt2u47xH8CI/AAAAAAAADQU/yvCyWUmcDMY/s1600/academyawards.jpeg 

Oh dear, it looks like members of  Watain unwisely decided to stop by. Too bad they were not invited, and probably thought this was the MTV Awards, where they were to pick up a cash-money prize for being the most profitable Black Metal band of the year. Sorry, guys, no Grammy winners allowed here. Please report back to your stretch hummer above ground.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5tOU83YBb0/TTWGMslGqLI/AAAAAAAACpU/19RwUJEjKJE/s1600/PROMO.jpg 
"bbooooooo!!! Boooooo!!! Hiisss hissssssssssss! You FUCKING SUCK!"


It looks like things have just begun to settle down, so let us begin!






10) Craft - Void

                                                     
Soon to be Grammy winning pop icons of Scandinavia, Craft secure the 10th spot on the list with ease. As you all know, we here at TABME page have always predicted the sellout status of this band, and at no point have we ever truly supported them (except for their failure)! Bonus points for the not using black metal font, and having a shitty album cover in general.






9) Blut aus Nord - 777 Sect(s)

                                                      http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qhOLQ_mEiq0/TYf6zBzgseI/AAAAAAAAAPM/aEDq90RKq3I/s1600/cover.jpg

Wow, Blut aus Nord have managed to do the impossible with this album, and I will give them complete credit. "777Sect(s)" appears to be the band's creative attempt of recreating the audio-visualization of a whale taking a massive shit in the ocean. Not only that, but then they packaged it and sold it as an album to unsuspecting hipsters for mass profit! Good work Blut aus Nord, because it had the thick rimmed hipster community in an uproar over how "genre defying" and important the album was in relation to the evolution of black metal (something every true elitist is against mind you). Every time you see some scene kid rave about this album, it's almost guaranteed they watch Family Guy and play Pokemon daily.





8) Blut aus Nord - 777 Desanctifaction

     

Blut aus Nord must have been extremely eager to try and make it onto my list of shittiest albums of 2011, so to secure their spot, they released a second album 2011 called "777 Defecation" or some shit like that. Right off the bat, the listener's audio channels are assaulted with a thumping bass filled "skip-hop" beat,  which apparently is fairly comon in the French BM scene nowadays. On top of the mind-numbing rap influences on this album, it still feature non-stop whale defecation visualizations much like the last album. NEXT.



 
       
7) Kampfar – Mare
http://www.metal-archives.com/images/2/9/5/4/295484.jpg

Right off the bat we are confronted with a problem on the new Kampfar release. Instead of focusing their attention on good song writing (something which has been absent in this band since 1997), Kampfar take another forgettable audio trip down "rat shit lane"and even tack on a a dedication to the release reading:  "Mare is dedicated to the women who chose to walk their own path."... Yeah, a path alright... More like the path right back into the kitchen to get me an expensive imported beer, and then to turn this audio abortion of an album off before anymore of my precious hearing is lost. "Inspirational" message aside , the music is dull and boring- something Kampfar have been good at producing since their debut. Oh yeah, the album artwork blows also as you can tell...

 

 

6) Glorior Belli - The Great Southern Darkness

 

http://drawtodeath.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/glorior-belli1.jpg

I'd expect the ultimate in "shitty Dimebag worship/black metal" to hail from the bible belt portion of the USA, but oddly enough France holds this embarrassing achievement. Glorior Belli continuously humiliate their country and it's laughable Black Metal scene. The fact that Pantera's brand of shitty music gave influence to a European band is embarrassing enough. If you want a good laugh or hate France in general, pop in The Great Southern Trendki- uuuhhh I mean Darkness...      

                                         

                 

  
5) Gorgoroth-  Under the Sign of Hell 2011

                                                  http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/2/2/5/322597.jpg?2331

Here is a great idea: Re-record the last classic album by this band that captured the raw and negative nature of mankind, slap a "2011" date to the end of the title, and use it to paint a picture of everything wrong in the "Norwegian $cene" nowadays. Surprisingly the vast majority of people actually took a shit on this album, giving these mallcore critics some minor credit.






 4) Burzum - From the Depths of Darkness

http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/1/9/1/319197.jpg?4535

Up and coming hipster icon Varg Vikernes, who is obviously not immune to selling his pagan soul for vasts amounts of money, decidedly put out a whopping two albums this past year. However unlike Blood From North, I will only focus on one (Fallen most likely still resides on the top 10 on the UK Pop Charts). From the Depths of Darkness is flat out horse shit. Don't even bother trying to tell me it's worth a second listen, because I knew this album was shit within the first 10 seconds of listening to it. You see, Varg has become aware of his teenage "X-hand" fan base who will buy anything he puts out, because it's "cool". Teens=money, money=new farm animals/tools. So scrap that whole "I will only put out two more albums and call it quits" talk. There is a new tool shed to be built!





3) Lifelover - Sjukdom 

Well no surprise Lifelover's final album was bloated pile of dogshit. What a shame, but it was to be expected. B will be missed... not by me of course, but his cry baby wanna be "suicidal" fans.   Anyway lets move past this train wreck onto our next album, as I have already discussed this festering rat child of an album in previous posts.





 2) Leviathan  - True Traitor, True Whore
                                  
                                                  http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/1/6/6/316605.jpg?0006 

After the abysmal last album, Wrest looked liked he was taking the right path and entering jail, never to release another album. I would like to think Wrest was incarcerated for not only his crimes in the West Coast USBM scene, but also Black Metal in general. However I have come to terms that forcible sodomy is good enough. So with his release, Wrest signs to hipster haven Profound Lore Records and unfortunately puts out another album. Go figure that Wrest now resembles the majority of his fan base- overly tattooed beard-neck homeless runaways, who wear whatever black metal shirt they can find at a thrift store regardless if it's the right size. Don't bother defending this album... you will only look even more stupid than you already do with that Mastadon shirt and those tight black jeans.




Well the time has come... It's now time to finally find out who will claim the number one spot for the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011...


over polished/triggered-double bass drum roll (produced and engineered at The Abyss studio)  please....
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1) Every "hipster/shoegaze black metal" release of 2011


Yes, last year might as well just be labeled "Year of the Hipster" or "The year Black Metal died for the 20th consecutive year". It was impossible to pin-point one specific release for the number one spot, so noting they all share the same shitty unbelievable sub-genre of black metal, I decided to place them all in one giant smelly pile of shit for the number one position.

"Beardnecks", "thick-rimmers", "pot heads who steal your shit when your high"... whatever you want to call them, they are America's plague and are quickly spreading all over the globe. One thing is for certain, I will not give up the fight against these wanna-be homeless "musicians". My very own record shop even has a "no-hipster" policy and customers are constantly screened before entering to look at vinyl.

Congratulations for your noble attempts at destroying my beloved scene, you sorry ass beardnecks.


2012: THE CURRENT STATE OF BLACK METAL


 And here to present our winners of  the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011 award, it's Sweden's very own  Justin Timberlake!


And with that said, 2012 has a lot of interesting posts ahead of us... 
We shall see which ones make the cut. 
Until next time, keep dreaming that you're part of my elitist circle...

Regards,
-ABME

53 comments:

Kristopher's Tavern and Pub said...

Thank you for posting at 3am "inferior" USA time, so us superior metal heads in Europe can view these insightful article first. Sorry to hear about your pathetic bicycle riding clan that plays black metal. LOL... Please do me a favor and never stop this blog.

Anonymous said...

how can you not like the new Blut aus Nord. Are you gay? You must be.

Nyan said...

Ok, im pretty sure this blog is lol ... I know, took me long enough to figure it out, but atleast im not a newfag

Anonymous said...

R E T A R D

Anonymous said...

@ both Anonymous: this guy is right you are retarded hipster faggots.stop crying about being faggots.stop listening to your faggot blut aus nord black metal and die.

ABME to the top!

BronzeAge1966 said...

FINALLY....Well worth the wait I might add. This one was long, but I will hand it to ya, -> damn funny shit. Please don't make my mp3 stealing self wait so long for the next punishment.

Anonymous said...

I see the production and quality of the posts have gone up since I last checked in... did you attend a night course in Blogging? J/k,,, great new post man and BaN fans are annoying ass wipes.

Mystique said...

The Blut Aus Nord albums are awesome....I spent money on them.... paper money... and I NEVER DO THAT. They're worth it.

Botmuyl said...

This stuff should be published in a book haha, fucking great.

L. Trollstoy said...

Kvarfy-boy is from Sweden, not Norway. Those are two different countries. Don't worry, the important part is you know who Justin is.

Filiam said...

Thrilling analysis L. Trollstoy! You get the joke! Fucking idiot

Angry Black Metal Elitist said...

@L.Trollstoy- sorry you did not understand the Shining vs. Shining caption... I have now "dumbed" down the article just for you.

L. Trollstoy said...

@ABME- That's ok Abme. I must now find someone who can help me get out of my ball-crushing skinny jeans so I can masturbate over the fact that you changed your blog just for me. <3

Be-A-Wulf said...

Craft really are nominated for Best Contemporary Christian Music Album at the Grammys.If you spin it backward, its all subliminal messages about God and finding spiritual Redemption.

Jeff said...

I'm not arguing over your elitist opinion. How could I?

But since when was "The Body" black metal?
(they're featured in the "2012: THE CURRENT STATE OF BLACK METAL" picture)

Also, would you grace us with at least one album you did enjoy in 2011? I understand if you immediately stop liking the album afterwards.

Angry Black Metal Elitist said...

@Jeff- The Body/Krallice = Same difference. Although it does not surprise me that someone was eventually going to mention that.

Albums I thought were alright this past year... hrrmmm I gave Inquisition a spin, and the new Ravencult. They kept me occupied, but that is all I feel like revealing to one with such horrific musical tastes such as yourself. Now, go! Quit wasting my precious time as I plot my next post on the ever-decaying scene.

Anonymous said...

Black metal is a joke anyway

Grim Frostbitten Necrobobsledders said...

I beat off to your excellent blog while clutching my autographed In Flames assless chaps. Could you do a post on the most worthless and useless *grimm* ^tru^ and kvlt reissues?

Anonymous said...

gay fcuk faggot shit. all fuckign gay retad. im 13 year old and still breast feed. i cant tell the difference between liking shit music and being black metal. gay fuckin fagot shit gay ... and so forth <-- everyone who hates on ABME or enjoyed the new Blut Aus Nord. Better luck next time. No, actually, I take that back. I don't wish you good luck. That wouldn't be very metal.

Autographed Burzum Buttplug said...

Fuck Off Poseur.

NegruVoda said...

Black metal is for children and you're the living proof of that fact. Fuck you and your shitty trve noise, faggot.

I Shit On Your Face said...

Hey girls are you gonna go watch teh bitchin' 'Lords Of Chaos' movie? Dick Rathbone is going to play Christian (Varg) Vikerners so all you inferior devotee groupie ball washer rump rangers can sport your Mayhem and Burzum shirts while never hearing the first note of their music!

DOmega said...

This kind of reminds me of last years top 10, when you pissed the French off with Deathspell Omega ranting. Judging by all the confusing angry comments here, I think it worked.

DeathShrike said...

LOL. "rap influenced". You're a fuckin' idiot, and I love you to death. Keep up the good work!

Jeff said...

@ABME

Well I will openly admit to enjoying both The Body and Krallice, so you're gonna hate the fact that I too enjoyed Morbid Blood.
Couldn't get into Inquisitions vocals though. Awesome riffs, but when the frog started singing I was immediately turned off.

SmithMetal84 said...

Funny stuff, even though I liked Craft's release.

mp3s are shit and so is your face said...

Where are the mp3s at dude? They rock on my 2" PC speakers! Mp3s are the ultimate in sound quality and I just love the tv swoosh sound in the background.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK AT RATING

Bounty Hunter HD said...

^^^ And you suck at proper punctuation, correct sentence structure, and the knowledge of knowing where the caps lock is. FAIL!! Great new post! Keep this shit up!

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing so fucking much at this douchebag, this bog is too funny.I need more fucking laughs from you.I used to think that Varg and Rob Darken were the comedians of Black Metal, but this douchebag takes their spot.Hails to true metal, though.\m/

Anonymous said...

Worst Black Metal albums of 2011???

These are NOT black metal albums, you moron. Write the post again and write it properly.

Anonymous said...

MUST DESTROY this bunch of hipsters who make me feel ashamed of being of the same land: http://www.myspace.com/gottesmorder/blog

Anonymous said...

P-Data (The comment above):I promise that you will enjoy it!

Anonymous said...

ABME should change his name to Redneck. By the way, you have an online diary (that's what this is, dress it up however you wanna try, it's your diary fag), you're a hipster too.

LOLgoroth said...

ABME should make a post about Shoegaze/Ironic/Transcedental/Experimental/Mega-Fag/Nipplesucker Post-Black Metal.

Anonymous said...

That nipple-sucker post would be really fun...

S. said...

Hey when are you gonna shit all over Australia's shame (drowning the light)? Responsible for a whole new beardneck, pbr drinking, bicycle riding hipster cult here in the southern hemisphere. Even deströyer 666 left us they were so ashamed

Julian Bazoonga said...

too much lulz in one blog, keep it that way!

Anonymous said...

http://www.bryanreesman.com/blog/2010/06/07/daniel-lioneye-linde-lindstrom-lets-loose/ I'm completely sure ABME will love to destroy this guy

Anonymous said...

"every hipster black metal album" Oh come on, that's just lazy, ABME.

Anonymous said...

I agree with every album minus "Diotima" from Krallice. Incredible musicianship, I don't understand how you can pin that into the "Hipster" category, solely because they are from NYC.

And the "live" photo is of a band called Defeatist. Grindcore from NYC.

Vincent (NLBMe) said...

It makes you wonder what we are still doing in this mouldy scene? We must be institutionalized after all those years!

josh mcgraw said...

I agree, all those bands are fucking horrible but I think most black metal is horrible...

So if I cut up my forearms a bit, does that make me black metal enough to be in your hardcore black metal posse? Or no?

JPT said...

Stop bitching about it; it's not something that's going to change. You'll only find more and more "nigels" infiltrating your ranks and making your music woefully more popular. You were only asking for the attention of some subculture that revels in all things ironic; you cats have always been more about attention-grabbing, showboating, and looking like idiots than anything remotely music-related. The only difference between you and KISS is pig's blood and fake crucifixions in place of pyrotechnics and hairspray.

Fuck you and your shitty music.

Warm regards, Jeffy

Anonymous said...

I found three "drowning the light" cds in the garbage bin so I thought I would give them a go. Wow, one dull meaningless riff after another. I believe they certainly deserve an award and a big hug!

Anonymous said...

RUFFENME.
It's all RUSH - RUCHSS- RUSH the CRUSH.
And he went rat.
Obviously.
With SLYMIC.
And not only that, he took out GEREASE- GERIZZO - GERYER - GERYEN.
And that's the entire TORONTO combo with CHUMATO!
So you can imagine WATT- ROOT- CHO!
They were all left in that RKERNOT - " hanging" TEN in
that RED TENT- GROSS.
METTETAL VIKING DOORS?
Forget about them.
DASSAULT - IRENE totally WAYSTOT with WYSTED .
It's called METAL FUCK.
USTECO.
So what's the " COMPENSADOR"?
NKEDDRA and CARTER.
They want to look good in " KANSAS KINGS".
It's no secret we want all the GRADSTARS " off".
And they're " PEACERT " is well worth it.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing.

BreadGod said...

I agree with you on the #1 spot. FUCK OFF, SHOEGAZE BLACK METAL!

Anonymous said...

I love half of these bands/albums, and shoegaze black metal, and lots of other stuff that would make me unkvlt, fuck off.
Hilarious blog, keep posting my friend (wait, friendship is for fag poseurs).

ironintolerance said...

fuck shoegaze and cascadian faggotry

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Adronera said...

Jesus love u all you and your fucking unholy shitfull sodomized boyfriends and all the childrens you rape while thinking about doing your mom and dad in every holes. Amen