R.I.P. ABME???

Greetings,

Well as most of you half-wits have squawked, the ABME FB page reached 1,000 "likes" earlier in the week. Granted many of those "likes" are most likely from balding aryan nazi small-cocks, plaid wearing beardnecks, and hipster mallcore kids; all of whom want nothing more than to see the demise of my elitist ways.

However, as many of my faithful original followers remember, the FB page was really an hour glass ticking down to the inevitable demise of my "internet fame".

So with that said, is this REALLY the end of ABME??

Maybe... or maybe it is just a period of time for me to become less of a household name and let my elitist ego regain it's strength. You may see me posting on various other websites (of course TNM), and you may also see the page get a facelift. Who knows... However in the mean time I have a lot planned including a trip to my homeland of Romania, where they need my help reconstructing the underground scene.

So what does the future hold for ABME now that he has 1,000 "likes"? Magazine covers, talk shows, headlining the most "brutal" tour in Europe??? Obviously not, but only the future knows.

Regards,
ABME....

(Retarded) Fans pay Tribute to "B" from Cashlover...

Today's post marks the return of former-MIA and less grammatically-challenged elitist, S. TABME will return whenever he feels like it.

Hello morons,

So, as always, we are last to report black metal news on the internet. Of course, the sites that are first to report also believe that Dimmu Borgir are still noteworthy in present day 2011. Although this blog may be lagging a few days behind from the crowd, visiting us instead of the poser sites will ensure that you're fighting behind the correct side of Satan's army.

So, it comes to no surprise that Lifelover's founder died this past week, reportedly by using the razor blades included in their ridiculous boxset. I feel that TABME already hit the nail on the coffin regarding these comedians a little while back, so there's no use discussing this band any further. Rather, the focus of today's post will be of the laughably bad fan-made "tributes" that I've seen pop up across the internet. Let's get started...

Yeah... Naturally, it didn't take long browsing to find some feeble attempts from the hispanic satanic crowd...

This just goes to show that MS Paint should be excluded from the Mexican edition of Microsoft Windows

The Nu-Core Zipperpant scene was no exception, either...

Need any more proof this that band has already been dead for years?

However, who am I to judge? With B's death coinciding the same week of the 9/11 anniversary, some retardation was just waiting to happen...

Are you kidding me?

This bizarre comment, shown above, was posted by "SDMF_RobertE_Lee66" in the Blabbermouth comments section. Apparently, the mongoloid crowd are pissed about how much attention B's death has been stirring over the past few days, and demand that the focus be reverted back to their deceased alcoholic womanizing leader.

A hipster shown throwing away skills learned from his 2-semester stint at art school

So, this post ended up being on the short side... but there's really not much to add, as I felt these pictures spoke for themselves. Judging by the comments I read here, most of you guys are illiterate anyways, so why even bother writing text?

TABME has informed me of an few upcoming posts he's been working on, and like every other article he's written, they won't disappoint. So if you haven't already, make this site your homepage and delete all other bookmarks saved on your computer. You have no use for them.


Fuck you all,
S.

Vondur: No Compromise - No shit!

Greetings,

While we wait for all the "fan requested" posts to finish, it is time for me to take a second and tell you what sucks in the trendy world of "recent black metal releases". Today we get to talk about Tony "IT" Särkää again! Yes our favorite Swedish black metal dwarf who lives a complicated life, and currently fronts a Japanese influenced industrial rock band- as exposed in our previous post concerning him.




(Left: Because the world needed another midget black metal goth-rocker à la Dani Filth)













Earlier this year, (the once well respected) Osmose label made a typical "modern day corporate music business" decision to re-release all the shitty Vondur albums on a double CD. Not only that, but they gave it a stupid name, deceiving artwork, and charged money for it!

(Left: Due to the profanity, the album was allegedly banned at Wal-Marts across America, thus causing it to completely miss it's target audience. This in turn lead to the album's immediate failure outside of the European market)







The Review:

Well to be honest, I didn't actually buy the album. Infact, I didn't even listen to the stupid piece of shit, mainly because I had already made that mistake back in 1995 and 1996 and spent the better part of the late 90's drinking until I blacked out trying to erase them from my memory.



(Left: The Evil "Dwarf-Green" edition.)











Basically you get all the shitty material this band ever produced in a more than deserving repackage. Why Osmose decided to release this laughable piece of dog turd is beyond me. It was better that time forgot such appalling drunk antics that at one point were even recorded in the Helvete Studio. Maybe this was released as hipster bait, seeing IT would totally make for a perfect makeshift long-lost beardneck messiah; constantly never fitting in with the scene, yet "knowing" so much about it.

For the final verdict, I have decided to bring back my trusty non-human companion Zoltan to do the rating system again. He was recently released from the state's dog pound after contracting Parvo , spreading the disease to all 240 dogs in the shelter, causing them all to die.

The Verdict:












Vondur's "No Compromise" gets a well deserved THREE angry Zoltan's; which means it's a heaping pile of duck shit and must be destroyed.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the blackened mind, including a band that one of you feel compelled to email me about every other week as if I ignored the previous 20 something requests.

Regards,
-ABME

How To Ruin Your Black Metal Band: NAER MATARON Edition

Greetings idiots,

One of the more respectable bands from Greece to emerge from the second wave of Black Metal was the once semi-decent Naer Mataron. With lyrical content regarding Ancient Greece and Greek myths, the band was paving new roads while avoiding all the synth-shit being pumped out by shit labels like Century Blast and Nuclear Napalm. Labeled as "Hellenic Black Metal", Naer Mataron marched forward with strength...





(Left: Not even the thickest chain mail can hide a mallcore band t-shirt from my elitists eyes )












However, after two "acceptable" albums, the band put out a bunch of uninspired shit and eventually lost all members except for bassist Kaiadas. Being the bassist and the only surviving member of the band pretty much renders you worthless, in my book. However, Kaiadas oddly chose to move forward with Naer Mataron (most likely because he had no alternative financial backup plan ).





(Left: "Don't worry guys , I will run this through photoshop, and add flames and pentagrams in the background!" so said the idiot photographer who took this timestamped picture. Naturally, the humiliating original eventually found its way on the internet and began heavy circulation in the underground elitist message boards.)









Kaiadas, being the only "original" member of the band, had the hefty task of hiring a new vocalist. Hrrmmmmm... a seemingly hard choice, but apparently an easy one for Kaiadas, as Yusaf Parvez (aka Vicotnik) was chosen. Why not? He had done guest vocals for the band before, and even comes from Norway's very own Dødheimsgard (whom should have their own post next month).  Dødheimsgard, as we all know, now sing about comic book super villains and other clown related nerd shit that I could give a two-headed camels ass about. So, was this a good move, or simply a "hey, he will help sell records!" move? Let us look deeper...







(Left: Something is just not right about this picture... I cannot seem to put my elitist finger on it...)








In an interview for Sinster Webzine, Kaiadas had this to say about Vicotnik's addition to the band:

"Vicotnik is a mastermind, a guru of black metal, he has been doing this thing for many years and he knows how Naer Mataron should sound. We asked him to create a personal and unique sound for us, which is more obvious in our new album 'Praetorians'."

Yeah, ok... Obviously if you are lucky enough to grab a vocalist from a semi-respectable (at one point) black metal band, then you'd probably let him get away with running over your pet dog completely intoxicated right in front of you, right? Kaiadas moronically decides to put full confidence in Vicotnik's ability to lead the band; obviously ignoring his work in Dødheimsgard's previous three releases.







(Left: No matter how grim you try to act in a cave, it is never going to overshadow the guy in blue body paint wearing ripped underwear)






The band would then strike a deal with notoriously shitty Season's of Mist, whom have put out a magnitude worth of dung-metal like Bloodthorn and the newer Drudkh crybaby shoegaze albums. And with a new album, label, and vocalist, Naer Mataron would need some killer artwork to showcase their accomplishments, right?
Perhaps this is why purchasing "Praetorians" is not too different a experience than grabbing the soundtrack to the Spawn comic book series. Great idea!








(Left: Sign to Seasons of Mist and they will provide you with retarded artwork like THIS!)






It's also worth noting that Vicotnik produced the album as well, which is probably why you'll hear random techno-industrial/rave breakdowns from time to time. So in the end, Naer Mataron venture into an unforeseeable future... Actually I don't give a damn where they go, because I stopped listening to them in 1997.





(Left: Good thinking, hiring a blue drunkard to lead your Hellenic Black Metal band.)














Regards,
-ABME



Post Sript- It is also worth noting that recently, Near Mataron announced they would be hiring a female vocalist for their upcoming release...








(Left: Mysterious, Evil, Gross)













With that said, it looks like a nice lead into our next installment of "Women in Black Metal"...

UPDATE

Greetings,

I have been working on several posts in between my nightly drinking/vinyl spinning. It's hard to write drafts by candle light, but the fury of the mallcore scene boils in my blood and keeps me going. Coming soon are three new posts. Also I am almost finished working on a "guest" post for a new website. Below is a hint of the upcoming post which will be upwhen it is done!






(Left: Coming SOON to clown town near YOU)










Also it would appear there is an issue with the retarded "facebook" page. I don't give a flying shit about technology especially when it does not work, so it's going to have to fix itself for all I care.

Regards,
-ABME