You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Friday, September 9, 2011

Vondur: No Compromise - No shit!

Greetings,

While we wait for all the "fan requested" posts to finish, it is time for me to take a second and tell you what sucks in the trendy world of "recent black metal releases". Today we get to talk about Tony "IT" Särkää again! Yes our favorite Swedish black metal dwarf who lives a complicated life, and currently fronts a Japanese influenced industrial rock band- as exposed in our previous post concerning him.




(Left: Because the world needed another midget black metal goth-rocker à la Dani Filth)













Earlier this year, (the once well respected) Osmose label made a typical "modern day corporate music business" decision to re-release all the shitty Vondur albums on a double CD. Not only that, but they gave it a stupid name, deceiving artwork, and charged money for it!






(Left: Due to the profanity, the album was allegedly banned at Wal-Marts across America, thus causing it to completely miss it's target audience. This in turn lead to the album's immediate failure outside of the European market)







The Review:

Well to be honest, I didn't actually buy the album. Infact, I didn't even listen to the stupid piece of shit, mainly because I had already made that mistake back in 1995 and 1996 and spent the better part of the late 90's drinking until I blacked out trying to erase them from my memory.



(Left: The Evil "Dwarf-Green" edition.)











Basically you get all the shitty material this band ever produced in a more than deserving repackage. Why Osmose decided to release this laughable piece of dog turd is beyond me. It was better that time forgot such appalling drunk antics that at one point were even recorded in the Helvete Studio. Maybe this was released as hipster bait, seeing IT would totally make for a perfect makeshift long-lost beardneck messiah; constantly never fitting in with the scene, yet "knowing" so much about it.

For the final verdict, I have decided to bring back my trusty non-human companion Zoltan to do the rating system again. He was recently released from the state's dog pound after contracting Parvo , spreading the disease to all 240 dogs in the shelter, causing them all to die.

The Verdict:












Vondur's "No Compromise" gets a well deserved THREE angry Zoltan's; which means it's a heaping pile of duck shit and must be destroyed.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the blackened mind, including a band that one of you feel compelled to email me about every other week as if I ignored the previous 20 something requests.

Regards,
-ABME

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great review... I think... hahah at least it was funny as shit. Don't worry you tought me to stay away from IT in your last post about him XD

Foxtrot said...

What no Darth Vader cover for this album? Fucking lame.

Anonymous said...

You shouldnt be so hard on yourself. lol

444 said...

Glad to see Zoltan back in action. So Vondur is on vinyl? Hipsters rejoice!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Love the overly dramatic tone of this one. Keep on Trolling in the free world!!!

Vlad The Impaler said...

I like your blog, I have been listening to BM since Samael released 'Worship Him' and I find myself agreeing with most of what you say and laughing at it as well. What I can't stand is the fucking grammatical mistakes and photo formatting. Sort it out!

EaglesDare said...

This blog wouldn't be ABME if he did not include his careless drunken type-o's and always to the far right picture placement! I hate to say it, but I kinda am already used to it and have come to accept it, like the n00b I am. That's why I dig this blog!

Anyway back on topic, Vondur's Galatic Rock'n Roll Empire sounds like shit. It's the only album I have of theirs and cannot see how it got a vinyl release... Fucking please!

Tomas said...

I agree with everything I read in this article. However, TWO of my dogs have died of Parvo over the past decade. I don't think a dog that spread Parvo to hundreds of other dogs would be allowed back into society.

Medusa said...

I like this article. How come you have some number around 60 posts, but no CD reviews (or strictly CD review) except for this one? It makes me laugh very well!! Greetings from Greece.

PS- The Naer Mataron post below = VERY TRUE!!! Greedy money clowns!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see you get drunk and try and record an album with an Elvis cover...

666 said...

Who'd buy that piece of shit? Jesus fucking christ!

Gay Finnish Black Metal Dude said...

Hey, I like the 2 naked men on the cover of Selvmord.

Anonymous said...

Keep up this reckless attitude and I doubt these labels will be sending you free promo's for you to review for future... hehe

Anonymous said...

"Parvo"?

Really?

That means "idiot" in Portuguese.

Anonymous said...

Parvo is a dog desies you dumb shit Portuegese motherfucker. Maybe you need to stop harvesting cocain in brazil and wake the fuck up.

useless said...

crap useless dog cum band shit