You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Saturday, September 3, 2011

How To Ruin Your Black Metal Band: NAER MATARON Edition

Greetings idiots,

One of the more respectable bands from Greece to emerge from the second wave of Black Metal was the once semi-decent Naer Mataron. With lyrical content regarding Ancient Greece and Greek myths, the band was paving new roads while avoiding all the synth-shit being pumped out by shit labels like Century Blast and Nuclear Napalm. Labeled as "Hellenic Black Metal", Naer Mataron marched forward with strength...





(Left: Not even the thickest chain mail can hide a mallcore band t-shirt from my elitists eyes )












However, after two "acceptable" albums, the band put out a bunch of uninspired shit and eventually lost all members except for bassist Kaiadas. Being the bassist and the only surviving member of the band pretty much renders you worthless, in my book. However, Kaiadas oddly chose to move forward with Naer Mataron (most likely because he had no alternative financial backup plan ).





(Left: "Don't worry guys , I will run this through photoshop, and add flames and pentagrams in the background!" so said the idiot photographer who took this timestamped picture. Naturally, the humiliating original eventually found its way on the internet and began heavy circulation in the underground elitist message boards.)









Kaiadas, being the only "original" member of the band, had the hefty task of hiring a new vocalist. Hrrmmmmm... a seemingly hard choice, but apparently an easy one for Kaiadas, as Yusaf Parvez (aka Vicotnik) was chosen. Why not? He had done guest vocals for the band before, and even comes from Norway's very own Dødheimsgard (whom should have their own post next month).  Dødheimsgard, as we all know, now sing about comic book super villains and other clown related nerd shit that I could give a two-headed camels ass about. So, was this a good move, or simply a "hey, he will help sell records!" move? Let us look deeper...







(Left: Something is just not right about this picture... I cannot seem to put my elitist finger on it...)








In an interview for Sinster Webzine, Kaiadas had this to say about Vicotnik's addition to the band:

"Vicotnik is a mastermind, a guru of black metal, he has been doing this thing for many years and he knows how Naer Mataron should sound. We asked him to create a personal and unique sound for us, which is more obvious in our new album 'Praetorians'."

Yeah, ok... Obviously if you are lucky enough to grab a vocalist from a semi-respectable (at one point) black metal band, then you'd probably let him get away with running over your pet dog completely intoxicated right in front of you, right? Kaiadas moronically decides to put full confidence in Vicotnik's ability to lead the band; obviously ignoring his work in Dødheimsgard's previous three releases.







(Left: No matter how grim you try to act in a cave, it is never going to overshadow the guy in blue body paint wearing ripped underwear)






The band would then strike a deal with notoriously shitty Season's of Mist, whom have put out a magnitude worth of dung-metal like Bloodthorn and the newer Drudkh crybaby shoegaze albums. And with a new album, label, and vocalist, Naer Mataron would need some killer artwork to showcase their accomplishments, right?
Perhaps this is why purchasing "Praetorians" is not too different a experience than grabbing the soundtrack to the Spawn comic book series. Great idea!








(Left: Sign to Seasons of Mist and they will provide you with retarded artwork like THIS!)






It's also worth noting that Vicotnik produced the album as well, which is probably why you'll hear random techno-industrial/rave breakdowns from time to time. So in the end, Naer Mataron venture into an unforeseeable future... Actually I don't give a damn where they go, because I stopped listening to them in 1997.





(Left: Good thinking, hiring a blue drunkard to lead your Hellenic Black Metal band.)














Regards,
-ABME



Post Sript- It is also worth noting that recently, Near Mataron announced they would be hiring a female vocalist for their upcoming release...








(Left: Mysterious, Evil, Gross)













With that said, it looks like a nice lead into our next installment of "Women in Black Metal"...

23 comments:

Zypherous said...

I used to collect some of their old shit on cassette during the trade days in Greece! I lost touch with this band, and sad to say they look really fucking dumb with the DHG member. Damn.

Hard'nHeavy said...

More like "My Big Blue Greek Fuck Up"

Faethon said...

Darkest ABME-

My unholy blessings from the ruins of Greece...

...we have waited for this one many months...

Στην υγειά μας!

Anonymous said...

Since when is Vicotnik in NM? ROFL @ him in the cave...

Anonymous said...

hehehe... this was great. Looking forward to Women In Black Metal III

Anonymous said...

LOL at their new artwork looks like Ancient Greece Spawn with studded crotch flap.

Sounder said...

Almost shit my pants in anger, then realized this isnt meant to be serious... Good points, hahah but I still like Naer Mataron minus their DHG vocalist

FOAD said...

How come when this ABME makes fun of a REAL underground "thirdwave" band, none of you twats comment on it. It's like half you readers are fucking mallcore idiots. Naer Mataron fucking rule, and will be hailed for their Greek underground preformances back in the day. Fuck off and die to all.

Anonymous said...

^^ taking notes faggot!

Anonymous said...

Still waiting for "What The Fuck Happened: Carpathian Forest"

CatetheGreat said...

Ugh is that Jarboe? I thought her J2 collaboration with Justin Broadrick was a disaster. This is gonna be a trainwreck of sound.

Anonymous said...

Hey, hey, hey douchebags, I happen to like Jarboe. You idiots leave her out of this. The album she did with Neurosis was brilliant. You understand?

Anonymous said...

Jarboe is so overrated, I don't know who told her she can sing, she RUINED Jesu's Lifeline EP with one song (not that anyone here cares). She sounds like a cat being raped by Yoko Ono.

Anonymous said...

Isnt Jarboe in that hipster band SWANS... I hear all the mallcore kids jerk off to her

Anthony said...

Sign me up for the anti-Jarboe bandwagon. I've never really understood what's so mystical or transcendent about her stuff. Her voice is seriously rather off-putting to my ears. I prefer Lisa Gerrard and Elizabeth Fraser for my non-metal ethereal female vocal fix.

I've never really gotten around to giving more than a passing listen to Naer Mataron. I always just kind of figured they sucked. However, the blend of Norwegian and Hellenic black metal that their earlier music is sometimes described as sounds like it might be okay (maybe a bit Legion of Doom-ish?), so I might give a listen to their first album if I can fit it into my busy schedule.

Logan said...

I guess your elitist eyes were to focused on the shirt to realize that it wasn't chain mail he's wearing, it's soda can tops.

Reginald said...

Jarboe was indeed in Swans. Only beacuse she was fucking the Gira, who was apparently the mind behind Swans or some shit, I don't know.

useless said...

its garbage

SpiritualPandamonium said...

That guy entered the greek parliament as a representative of the greek neo-nazi party... Kill the bastard with your flames...

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Kaiadas, when entered in the Greek Parliament, has stated in many interviews for the greek Tv that he is a christian and he is going to baptized his newborn child as a proper Christian does.


Nikos

Anonymous said...

That was good!

Anonymous said...

How this for shitty artwork:
http://www.metal-archives.com/images/1/9/6/5/196577.jpg