You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
Questions? Comments? Angry cry baby threats? Email: AngryBlackMetalElitist@gmail.com

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Gabriel Wolf: Darkness Does Not Want You Anymore

Greetings,

Awhile back, we were successfully able to witness one of the elusive "black metal werewolves", reportedly running around Finnish graveyards wearing tight black clothing and 1990's Reebok Pump sneakers. Thanks to my documentation, the scientific and metal communities are now much more informed about the creature than previously thought.

However, more recently I received suspicious reports about another black metal werewolf putting out shitty music and causing havoc...

It was time to pack my bags, and travel to Hungary. More specifically- Budapest... Rumor had it that in Budapest, a wolf creature that sports metal claws and horrible corpse-paint once roamed the country side, terrorizing local villages with shitty "keyboard-overkill" black metal. Known to the town as"Gabriel Wolf", he is considered to be one of the "bigger" species of werewolves. Unlike the Finnish werewolf in our previous study, Gabriel Wolf has massive muscles which we assume are used for ripping sheep apart and pounding random notes out a keyboard in an attempt to create music.

Below is one of the few known photos of this creature:



(Left: The "Gabriel Wolf" is often times credited as the first black metal musician to merge the music with the image of the WWE)














Gabriel Wolf first appeared on the black metal map with his band Ywolf. I'd post a youtube video showcasing how much this band sucks werewolf cock, but thankfully the general metal community has been wise enough not to have uploaded any of their material yet. Somehow, Gabriel Wolf managed to sign a deal with Russian bootleg label Irond to release the first Ywolf album. The album was quickly deemed a musical disaster, and Ywolf were removed from the label immediately. Failure would plague Ywolf for three years, until a hiatus and an unwanted return in 2008, in which he threw out a cover album as a last ditch effort. Yes- a cover album which featured covers of Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, Wumpscut, Christian Death, and HIS OTHER BAND Finnugor. Pretty fucking lame by my elitist standards. Ywolf even featured opera singer Stephanie Kiss at one point, who's name fit perfectly with the clown brigade that Gabriel was leading. After one album, she never returned.







(Left: Ywolf - master of merging masculinity with flamboyancy while wearing corpse paint at the same time.)













At best, Ywolf was considered a mish-mash of "darkwave/gothic/industrial/folk". Basically everything except black metal. Still, Gabriel Wolf felt it necessary to dawn corpse paint for all the band photo shoots (which by the way, if you have not noticed, are the equivalent to a child using a non-toxic marker to draw the bat signal on their face). Thankfully, Ywolf dissolved in 2008.



(Left: Note the enthusiasm of Stephanie Kiss as she is forced to pose with the corpse paint train wreck next to her.)








Gabriel Wolf is also known for his atrocious music video directing capabilities. Below he directs Azaghal's "KYY" music video, which takes away any seriousness Azaghal were trying to portray. Who was the drunkard who gave him that type of responsibility?


(Above: Gabriel Wolf showcasing his amazing talent and
Windows Movie Maker special 
effects skills. Note the abundant use
of strobe lights that even puts 
Satyricon's Mother North video to shame.)

Finnugor was Gabriel Wolf's most notable/embarrassing band, which often times had me scratching my head. You had Narqath from Azaghal (listed here as Godslayer N. Vassago) doing the majority of the work, while Gabriel Wolf played his keyboards and did some typical shitty Hungarian vocals. Obviously, the two realized that the material they made together was completely horrible, so they ended up hiring a bunch of guest musicians to try and salvage what they could from the drunken mess that lay before them.






(Left: The only known "decent" picture of Gabriel Wolf. Too bad fellow balding Hungarian Attila Csihar fucked it up for him by wiping feces all over his face)



Some of the guest musicians include Attila Csihar, Ville Sorvali (Moonsorrow), Sture Dingsøyr (Windir), RMS Hreidmarr (of the laughably bad Anorexia Nervosa) and even Morfeus (formerly of Limbonic Art). Despite all these guest musicians, Gabriel never bothered to find an actual drummer, and in turn ended up using one of the most embarrassing drum machines known to man. The end result was a noise in the background of their synth-dominated black metal which sounded like someone was holding a piece of paper in the air next to a mic and tapping it violently.




(Left: Gabriel and Narqath pictured here floating in space... The only realm capable of holding such visual stupidity)




Even more embarrassingly was the fact that after shitting out four albums that no one ever bothered to purchase in the first place, Finnugor decided to go the industrial route for their 2007 release "My Sick Files". Narqath chose to jump ship before this album was made, and you really can't blame him. After all, he was already in a band that was paving the way in the Finnish scene and could probably tell My Sick Files was going to bomb just by the title alone.

So Gabriel was left all alone with his industrial album... You can almost imagine Gabriel Wolf sitting at his Windows 98 powered computer and slowly moving his cursor over a file folder labeled "Sick Files". Inside is full of midget porn and Cosplay horseshit. Perfect inspiration for an industrial album with such a name.






(Left: The winner of 2006's "Over Photo-Shopped Album Cover" award went to Finnugors atrocity "Voitettuani Kuoleman")









After Finnugor's industrial outing, Gabriel realized his horrible mistake and quickly returned the band to it's "black metal" roots. Sadly by this point, the world had lost what little interest it once had with Gabriel Wolf, and he was forced to fade into obscurity. More recently, he has been regarded as folklore or a urban myth. There have been alleged sightings and shoddy video footage of him that have managed to surface over the past three years, but no one can truly verify if it is really him or not...





(Left: The last known picture of Gabriel Wolf- having shaved the fur off his head and wearing sunglasses over corpse paint. Pictured here admitting guilt for years of looking like a complete retard, amongst other photogenic related charges)










Hopefully, Gabriel will remain hidden in his cave licking his sore wounds, and forget about ever touching black metal again... As the ABME, I pledge to try my hardest to keep the Hungarian woods clean of garbage such as this!

The hunt for his capture continues...

Stay tuned as we have some interesting topics including Women, former Swedish kings, guns, and much much more...

Regards,

-ABME

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow holy shit! How has this guy eluded the black metal police for so long?? Guilty for shitty corpse paint to the max!!!

flame said...

that azagahl video needs to be on that list of funniest black metal vidos ASAP.

Anonymous said...

Azaghal fucking rules. Kind of sucks nuts he was in a shit band like Finnugor...

Anonymous said...

BAHAHAHA GET OUT OF TOWN! Fucking crazy!!! Had no idea such shit lurked in the underground.

Anonymous said...

Great read after a long day on the job. I am interested now that you mention an article about guns... Coming soon? I cannot wait!

Eric said...

Thanks for that brief education. Because without the description, I would easily have mistaken that first picture (the one with the starry background and the mysterious purple halo glow) as being a member of the Puritan Clown Posse...

444 said...

Holy shit! That's the fucking Undertaker!!! I did not know he knew how to play keyboards!

Count Caligula said...

I like these educational reads. I really had no idea such a band/person existed prior to reading this post and I consider myself a quasi-elitist to an extent. Got anymore of these unknowns up your sleeve? Have you heard the band Alatyr?

Anonymous said...

Laughing real hard on that Azaghal video :D
Count Caligula - which Alatyr did you mean? (there are several of them)

Anonymous said...

I won't deny the fact that this guy totally blows. Looks like a complete moron.

However, i wanted to direct my comment towards the post on the "events" that took place in Norway.

Events like this are tragic & cause grief, this is understood. However, considering you're self proclaimed "Elitism" as an "Angry Black Metal-er" I'm shocked at your sympathy towards such a situation. Families feel pain, lives are lost, lives of young are lost, but as a part of this so called "black metal" community I find it interesting how much love and sympathy you have for the world.
you clearly are not a true (not to be confused with "trve") satanist & are just a typical, stupid American with an opinion that has no depth (Hence the disclaimer on your blog i guess..)
If you were in fact a follower of a dark and sinister path, you would advocate violence at any cost. Even if it was unfortunately directed towards the innocent.
I guess it's easier/more convenient to buy records and follow Weston Cage on TMZ than it is to fulfill an actual direction towards an actual meaning.
Continue the charade.

WL.BK

ssAkaerB said...

Anon above me just figured it out. For a prize, he gets my demondick

Anonymous said...

"If you were in fact a follower of a dark and sinister path, you would advocate violence at any cost. Even if it was unfortunately directed towards the innocent.
I guess it's easier/more convenient to buy records and follow Weston Cage on TMZ than it is to fulfill an actual direction towards an actual meaning.
Continue the charade."

Sorry, we all can't be like you- the jew bashing [Failure] Black Metal Elitist aka European Elitist. Funny how you can post as Anonymous and go under initials, but everyone can still tell its you because of your invalid arguments. Keep up your t0talLy bRutaL work on the crappy Metal Shit page

444 said...

Look at the [Failure] Black Metal Elitist trying to get ABME to justify the terror attacks. Let's not forget that EE referred to as the Norwegian tragedy as "some shit", and then got rightfully shit on for his stupid remarks.

You Mad EE?

Awesome new post btw. Gabriel does indeed look like the Undertaker!

Anonymous said...

this is in fact NOT the "EE" as you put it.
Politics are shit. Tribe means nothing to me.

As i said, listen to the music for the "cool sound" or get with the real program.

Hail Death.

Anonymous said...

^above poster^

Yeah ok whatever bitch. The second your mom dies and you can't get tit milk anymore; you won't be hailing death like some emo kid.

Anonymous said...

Listen child,

Death is the ULTIMATE reality.

End of story.


Your knowledge shouldn't end when the battery on your iPod does.

Limited fucks.

Anonymous said...

That must be some good tit milk you must be drinking. Tell your mom I want three bottles full and one pint for my cat. My cat is too crazy at night. Maybe if she drinks your moms tit milk she will experience deaths cold grip.

Anonymous said...

You don't want to admit it, but that lad is right. That's the ideology standing behind the 2nd wave of BM even if very few stood up to it.
Trying to mock him shows your childishness, not his.
Either you choose to really stand behind your beliefs and support them with according action or your just cowards whining with the old "but it's just music" excuse...

Anonymous said...

"You don't want to admit it, but that lad is right. That's the ideology standing behind the 2nd wave of BM even if very few stood up to it.
Trying to mock him shows your childishness, not his.
Either you choose to really stand behind your beliefs and support them with according action or your just cowards whining with the old "but it's just music" excuse..."

butthurt much EE??

Anonymous said...

Yes I know you would like to suck EE's ass really hard, but I'm sorry to disappoint you.
I think he must be very proud of you paranoid morons right now.

Anonymous said...

"You don't want to admit it, but that lad is right. That's the ideology standing behind the 2nd wave of BM even if very few stood up to it.
Trying to mock him shows your childishness, not his.
Either you choose to really stand behind your beliefs and support them with according action or your just cowards whining with the old "but it's just music" excuse..."

and even though this person is COMPLETELY right and understands my statement, you frauds just try to write ironic funny shit, that in actuality is NOT funny.
Mother Jokes? is this a juggalo forum?
YOU'RE FAKE.

Anonymous said...

I love reading the comments here. Some of you don't even realize that YOU are the people this blog is making fun of.

Absolute comedy gold.

Anonymous said...

This blog is making fun of pitiful fools like Gabriel wolf or attention whores like Satyricon or that Cage boy.
That is why I enjoy reading this blog and ABME is doing a great job writting it.
On the other hand people like you(of which most of the "scene" nowadays consists) laugh even on those who really have the right to call themselves "elite" and take BM with all seriousness and value the idea behind it.
That in fact is very typical human behavior,to mock something that you yourself can not achieve, just to raise your own ego and not to look at your own pitiful reflection in the mirror.
But enough said, my words won't change this fact anyway.

Anonymous said...

"I love reading the comments here. Some of you don't even realize that YOU are the people this blog is making fun of."

Big difference between people who take it "too serious" & people who LIVE it.
I could give 2 shits about the loser in this post, the Nicholas Cage boy or 9 out of 10 of these bands that are targeted.
When the blogger himself is in fact a joke, and the people who comment & relate & egg it on... just pathetic that this is what its come to.
FUCK OFF.

WL.BK

Falcon said...

WL.BK-

Does your mom's tit milk come in chocolate flavor as well? I am interesting in trying it, since I am constantly being drug tested and I figure tit milk won't show up.

Anonymous said...

Falcon.

Faggot.



WL.BK

falcon said...

I guess WL.BK must have knocked over his glass of tit milk onto his keyboard, limiting his typing. Its ok buddy... You can speed up your moms lactation process by rubbing her tits. As for your keyboard... its probably dead. But your fine with that as you have stated ;)

The Deuce said...

WL.BK - come at me bro!

The Victor said...

I must say, I love this blog- but I get a total kick out off all the fan comments. Whenever a troll comes to town, the villagers are more than capable of laying down the law by themselves!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!

ssAkaerB said...

WL.BK was trying to sound smart and more knowledgeable than everyone else, but in the end, he resorts to homophobic slander which is reminiscent of typical YouTube comments. You have failed and now all arguments you make from here on out is null and void. I hereby strip you of what metal qualities you may have possessed and banish you to purgatory, where you will reside for all eternity.

Anonymous said...

So easy to offend the extreme outcasts of this society with homophobic slander.

Who woulda known!?


WL.BK
Keyboard works fine.

Bronan the Barbarian! said...

Fuck, that guy is like the Dog the Bounty Hunter of black metal. Hall of fame failure for sure.

Anonymous said...

lol. cliché

Helnorsk Svartmetall said...

ex-member Nola Darxley is fucking hot!