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Friday, July 15, 2011

Black Metal in the News: June/July MMXI


Here is a quick rundown of the previous few weeks black metal sellout news.

-All Craft's VOID limited edition clear vinyls SOLD OUT.

As posted earlier last week, I was able to snatch five copies of what may soon to be Craft's mightiest opus "Void". As soon as I get my order I will proceed to video tape the burning of three copies to further up the value of my own. The other I will just sell to some kid for three times what its worth later on down the line (and charge a bullshit shipping fee, naturally).

(Left: This album better be the best fucking thing since the last Sargeist album. Otherwise we may have a problem.)

-Dani Filth beaten (unfortunately not to death) for acting like a retard.

I don't consider this black metal news, but since Dani Filth is a name that has long since plagued the scene I am more than willing to talk about it here. Especially because he got his balding midget ass beat and awkwardly photographed. We can thank Madball bassist Hoya Roc for the picture, and also for producing some of the shittiest slamcore-breakdown music known to man next to Hatebreed and Black Anvil.

(Left: A true example of a photo that's "worth a thousand words")

Yours truly is in currently involved trying to get interviews with the security guard and the random guy not giving a shit pictured in the background.

-Dark Funeral to premier new vocalist on 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise, because we all know that's how you become labeled as "The Ineffable Kings of Swedish Black Metal."

Dark Funeral recently did the right thing by throwing their ugly vocalist Emperor Magus Caligula out the door (probably because he refused to give up his mind boggling stupid name, and insisted on wearing Hot Topic pants at shows). Still Dark Funeral have nothing to be proud of because their music has always been the butt of Swedish Black metal. In my upcoming book, I take time to note their ignorance and feeble attempts to claim Swedish Black Metal as their own with such slogans as "The Ineffable Kings of Swedish Black Metal".


(Left: See you in hell Emperor Magus Caligula! Pictured here in knock off Dimmu Borgir/Batman hybrid armor)

Moving along- In case you don't know what 70,000 Tons of Metal is, let me summarize the best I can in my elitist speak: A giant boat shaped like a penis floats in the ocean thousands of miles off shore, while a bunch of MTV friendly US/Euro-core bands play to thousands of hot, sweaty, and topless fans. Throw in one shitty Swedish black metal band in, and there you go! Last year the boat ride got new-Marduk, which is a minor improvement over Dark Funeral as far as Swedish Black Metal goes.

(Left: Dark Funeral are rumored to release a 70k ToM CD single for attendees entitled: "Satanic on the Seven Seas of Satan")

-Nergal back from the dead only to be asked to guest judge on The Voice Of Poland.

Well it seems Nergal has risen from the grave, only to be summoned by Polish television to be a guest judge on their version of the popular television sensation The Voice. To play it cool, Nergal has reportedly declined, but the simple fact he was approached to do the series just goes to show how big of a celebrity is. I am sure eventually he will do it and further prove my theory Behemoth is the worst thing to come out of Poland since their head-scratching NSBM scene.

(Left: Nergal is reportedly alive and well, pictured here showing his love for life and for Damnyou Borgir)

-Black Anvil featured in a Harley Davidson commercial

So someone sent me a link earlier last week for what appeared to be a Harley Davidson commercial. I click on the video and watch some weightlifter get smacked around and begin to bench a Harley. The whole time I hear what I believe is some Suicide Silence sounding shit being playing in the background. Well, turns out that was actually Black Anvil....


(Left: Just another walk through the Black Metal park. I shit you not, this photo has not be run through photoshop)

The problem here is that this commercial wreaks of small sweaty man sausage. You have over-hyped steroid infused muscle men barking and cheering on their alpha as he lifts a motorcycle which just so happens to be the product being sold on the commercial. Then you have that blackened slamcore breakdown chug-chug-chugging along aimlessly throughout the background.

I will give it props... This advertisement DID make me want to buy a Harley... only slam it into a brick wall at 120mph. Whoever green lit this ad must have been high on angel dust or something because it's completely baffling.

Here is a SAFE version of the video that's easy on the eyes and replaces Black Anvil with noises that sound like the inside of your computer.

For the risk takers click below:


Well, Eyes of Noctum (and ABME reader fan favorite) Weston Cage is back in the news...
No, he was not getting his ass kicked again. This time he was seen with a newly shaved head and ended up doing some weird-ass MMA/Yoga shit for the tabloid papers. MMA of course is for nu-metal listening slam dancers and talk of such in the comment section will not be tolerated.

Weston says everything is fine, and hopefully he will not be in the news anytime soon.

Black toe nail polish is the "in-thing" in USBM I guess...


-Immortal to play the same bill as 50 cent

I end on this disturbing note-

As many of you pointed out to me, Immortal (and Enslaved) will be playing a festival bill that features NY Gangster rapper 50 Cent and various other shitty bands from all over the world. I think its called the RxR festival, but for now it should just be called "The Real" Pure Holocaust tour. Now some desperate fans are quick to point out that they are not playing on the same day (like that means anything). Immortal are known to play some extremely questionable shows, but this is pretty fucking stupid.

(Left: After learning this terrible news, I grabbed my original Pure Holocaust LP for comfort. I stared at the cover as 50 Cents ghostly image appeared. I immediately threw it into the fire place and watched it melt. This band is (and pretty much always has been) dead in my elitist eyes.)


There you have it. From my elitist mind to your bird brain I have presented you highlights that showcase the rise of the underground scene and the fall of mallcore fan favorites. I have much more interesting stories to tell you in the upcoming weeks, a guest writer or two, and possible ABME expansion news. The blackened elitist grip of death forever grows bigger, longer, blacker.



Anonymous said...

Wow, this is like finding a bag of weed that you forgot about and it gets you high as fuck. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

Fable of Tears said...

Pure Gold, rest easy now - you have made my drunken night.

444 said...

Now this, this is exactly why I follow your blog... This is one for the books.

Anonymous said...


European Elitism said...

I am here guys, just in case you wanted to know. Everyone who bashed me on Metal Sucks, That's Not Metal and here are PHONY!!! The ABMpE (yeah he is not real, and I made that term up herp derp!) is nothing but a FAKE!! Yep, just in case you thought he was real which I am sure is ALL of you. You will never understand me because I am the only REAL elitist. Ok, before you start making fun of me just know... YOU will never understand me. Ok time to go use a bunch of other name to prove my point! More of my cock cum soon.

Anonymous said...

holy shit, this is the fucking BEST!!!!!! I was the one who emailed about Dark Funeral!

Undisclosed UK Record Label said...

Off the chart mate! The mallcore fuzz will hound you forever, but you will always have chaps like me on your side!!


Anonymous said...

Probably one of the most god-honest reviews of black metal news I have read in some time. No corporate labels breathing down your back I see. I admire your humorous insight as well.

Anonymous said...

You talk shit about Dark Funeral, but you listen to some as generic and boring as Craft?

RazorCore said...

"You talk shit about Dark Funeral, but you listen to some as generic and boring as Craft?"

Please tell me you are not defending something as retarded as Dark Funeral... Craft in my opinion is one of the greatest misunderstood Swedish black metal bands. Often times wrongly tagged as "Darkthrone clones" they feature way more depth and atmosphere than any of the early DT albums.

Sorry you cannot sit through an entire Craft album because you have ADD

European Elitism said...

HELLLOOOOOO???? Doesn't anyone care what I have to say??? I am the REAL NSBM supporting guy from the last comment section!


Anonymous said...

Wow... a lot of trendy shit going on in the black metal scene lately... Obviously its summer time.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Black Metal ist doden

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

"Bloggers" are faggots.

Anonymous said...

"Bloggers" are faggots." - EE (who writes a blog for a shitty Metal Sucks/Injection knock off page. Nice try buddy. Jokes on YOU ;)

thedeadpoet said...

RE: Immortal to play the same bill as 50 cent - I'm not finding this as surprising as I probably should, probably because I lost whatever respect I had for Immortal long ago after Abbath "Doom Occulta" (...) revealed to the world how deep into the utters of idiocy he is. Frankly they belong on the fucking bill.