You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Friday, June 24, 2011

Kvelertak: Black 'n Roll nobody wanted in the first place

Greetings,

So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.



(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)








Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvertak's first full length, and ate Kveletak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...

The two were literally made for each other.







(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)













So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites.


(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)





Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.


Sorry I had to blow my hate wad all over this band in front of you, but these guys had it coming. You can expect more random rants in the future as well as our normally scheduled postings hopefully appearing twice a week soon (no promises to the bastard who foolishly complained that I do not post enough regularly).

Regards,

ABME

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

THat music video was so tasteless. What a waste of life I will never get back. thanks.

TheBuzzcOven said...

wwhhhaaatttt!!! Did they use the same artist for Skeletonwitch also? This band is fucking weak. Its like something you'd see in America's retarded metal scene.

Anonymous said...

WTF!!! GTFO! I CANT IMAGINE WHAT THE BM SCENE WILL LOOK LIKE IN 10 YEARS...

Anonymous said...

Shit that's bad!!!

Anonymous said...

Fucking core crap!!!

Forefather said...

Black Metal with the worst aspects of US nu-metal. These guys should tour with Trivium.

Anonymous said...

This shit is fucking awful. It's like hair metal revival meets black metal or some other BS. What's next? Black&Blues?

Anonymous said...

This isn´t really promoted as "Black Metal" or "Black ´n Roll"...or is it?! If not, why care? Nobody would seriously misunderstand that band for Black Metal...at least I hope so...otherwise: nowadays Black Metal is more fucked than I´ve been willing to realize so far. The aftermath of bringing Black Metal to the attention and consumption of art-faggots by tools of Peter Beste and that "Until the Light takes us" documentary seem to be more grave than anybody could expect. Anybody been there since the early nineties should understand that Black Metal was never intended to fit into society. But I guess the urge of some of the early protagonists to get some respect for their work once in their life from the greater of society and not "just" the underground scene has been stronger. And now "normal society" shits back their tamed mass-appealing abomination of Black Metal. War & Sodomy...

Anonymous said...

Creating a blog about music on the internet isn't Black metal, and neither are you. Fucking dorks.

444 said...

wow, I didn't know there are retards who still take this page at face value... Great post, keep up your black hearted hatred sir!

Vibeke said...

I find this music pretty and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, someone has come along and moved the genre on! If musical were to remain static we'd all still be listening to classical music. Why not try writing some reviews about underground black metal, to spread some real hatred, instead of wasting your time whinging?!

FAKK said...

"Oh no, someone has come along and moved the genre on"

You mean moved into the shithole. Sorry buddy, but Negura Bunget is pushing the limit, not this shit.

Anonymous said...

They are listed on MA as "Black metal/punk rock". For shame, for shame! Well MA could be pretty shitty nowadays, but it had been worse.

I didn't even know this band. I declare you guilty for corrupting my pvre grim being with such abhorrent music.

Anonymous said...

"Creating a blog about music on the internet isn't Black metal, and neither are you." Ah so you are the keeper to the secrets of what is and what is not Black Metal?! How wonderfully pretentious! Doesn´t that qualify you as a dork yourself?!

Anonymous said...

"Oh no, someone has come along and moved the genre on!" Hahaha are you serious kiddie?! You dare to call this shitload "moving on" Black Metal?! That´s hilarious. Mixing totally different genres is always misunderstood as innovation by those nerds who have no clue at all. "Yea cool, that´s the shit man, yea Limp Bizkit and Korn are tha shit yea man they moved on Heavy Metal fuckin´yea"... -> into the oven!

Anonymous said...

Into the Ovens? What a killer track. Blessed Death!

Anonymous said...

Best album last year and a great live act as well. Your blog is very funny!

said...

Black metal does not need to be 'moved on' and never will. Anybody who says otherwise is clearly a mallcore fagrat.

Anonymous said...

Just found this blog, read through some and laughed for fifteen minutes straight... This is fucking awesome! More posts - More kvlt/tr00 shit for the retarded masses!

Wojo said...

haha black metal is for manchild virgins playing with their mother's makeup.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Wojo, I like playing with *your* mom's makeup. She pays me fifty bucks an hour extra if I look like "the prettiest corpse of all." Afterwards, she lies there crying, whimpering again and again, "Why can't I find love in the world of the living?" She's got some real issues, your mom does, but she pays well.

Anonymous said...

http://gfx.dagbladet.no/labrador/171/171381/17138169/jpg/active/978x.jpg

Black metal 2011, haha

Anonymous said...

oh wow... you all need to quit bitching and move on. If they wanna play ""Black Metal"", then let'em do it. Ur black metal is already going down the shitter with us Christians making are own branch of black metal. Its damaged beyond repair, and u guys bitch and moan about it

Anonymous said...

Please take that cock out of your mouth for a moment and start thinking. BM is definitely not "damaged beyond repair". The scene is alife and well, but not to the attention of you mainstream hipsters. Why is it that some people simply cannot stand the fact that something evolved beyond their attention, something they seem to like but cannot grasp fully, and then start their own abomination of it. If this band claims to be Black Metal or Black n´ Roll, they crave for attention and belonging to something they most likely discovered not before last year but are incapable of (re)producing themselves. I mean, who would dare to call himself "Gangsta Rap" while playing some Radio House Dance Music? Genres exist. Genre boundaries can be pushed! But labeling yourself with something completely different and having a fan base which according to those posts here is bitching about not beeing accepted by the Black Metal crowd is retarted. I hope they tour Russia and get executed by some militant NSBM guys.

Anonymous said...

Actually Kvelertak is totally fucking rad.

Alster said...

PPl from the Jew United States wont understand Kvelertak anyway, because they don´t understand where they come from. (Yet the "scene" artwork the band uses and the constant tours with shitty HC bands IS irritating i have to admit.) The band made the best debut of last year. Yet exists since quite some time (Calling yourselg an "elitist" you should have already heard about them 3 years ago). Check out their demo for a rawer sound and featuring Nattefrost in one track. Besides Hoest of Taake is featured on another track, after he saw them open up for the Hole in the Sky festival. This clearly prooves how accepted Kvelertak are in the Norwegian scene. These guys are from Norway and have grown up with TNBM, like every other youth in Norway. I know BM is still very "rebellious" for you US douches. But these guys just blended in all their influences including Norwegian LEGENDS Turbonegro (that have loads of prominent friends and fans in the Norwegian BM scene). I understand the first thing an American douche encounters is the shitty artwork and not the music. But in maybe 10 years u´ll understand.. and then you´ll think it´s cool. Like allways...

Your Blog is still funny! Keep up the good work! And in 2 years after bashing all bands your going to stop listening to BM anyway ^^

Ignacio Brown said...

Shiiiitttt

Anonymous said...

Actually Kvelertak is totally fucking rad.[2] Killer band, tore up Austin! This is a pretty funny blog...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I get that this blog is really tongue on cheek but I really don't find it that funny. The people who write it I think post their dead on opinions (which aren't that witty to begin with) and then are like "ah it's a joke noob. Got you good!" not really... I just think it's dumb. Black metal is great music but complaining that people are selling it out or whatever is stupid. This is the age of the fucking Internet. Of course it's getting more recognition and influencing people you maybe don't like. Whatever. You don't have to like that, but you also shouldn't bitch about it constantly. Whatever though. I'm sure I'm missing the big ironic gesture and being a total n00b faggot hipster asshole or whatever you wanna call me.

444 said...

"I'm sure I'm missing the big ironic gesture and being a total n00b faggot hipster asshole or whatever you wanna call me."

Yeah pretty much... especially after the band itself tweeted this post to their thousands of fans and called it funny. And here you are nearly two months later getting butthurt about it just like as you have identified correctly- a "faggot hipster". Nice work buddy...

Anonymous said...

Kvelertak are actually an amazing band if looking purely at music. Their image is overtly trendy and prolific, yes. I wouldn't say they sound like Foo Fighters, because they are nowhere near that pop. Kvelertak is probably one of the best new bands in metal. Their music is dipped in, but not fully immersed, in black metal. For the most part, I don't see them being advertised as bm, but I haven't paid much attention to that. I just love their sound. They're a new obsession of mine.

Chris Gnosis said...

I checked them out completely for the album art and based on it I expected in the best case scenario some Stoner Metal, but was put off by what I actually got to say the least. It sounded like they were trying to do the whole newage "Hardcore" shit but their singer didn't even have the ability to produce that shitty nasally scream. Instead he just refused to accept that fact and continued to attempt it. Thus actually putting them below most "Hardcore" bands on my shit list. Underoath is actually outranking them in my mind right now and it's pretty hard to sink that low.

So all in all I have to congratulate them for showing me that there are infinitely lower depths too which music can plunge.

I was a fool to have ever doubted them.

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT OF KVELERTAK?! I'VE NEVER HEARD OF KVELERTAK BEFORE BUT LOOKING TO THE VID I FEEL PROFOUNDLY OFFENDED... BLACK N' ROLL... WHAT A FUCKING SHIT!!!!

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT OF KVELERTAK?! I'VE NEVER HEARD OF KVELERTAK BEFORE BUT LOOKING TO THE VID I FEEL PROFOUNDLY OFFENDED... BLACK N' ROLL... WHAT A FUCKING SHIT!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dodsferd slays this band.

Anonymous said...

It's a nice hybrid of proto-punk, hardcore with some black metal qualities thrown in. I don't give a shit what they look like, or what the rest of the fanbase looks like (as this whole blog seems to be revolved around.) The way people are responding here is incredibly childish, you'd think some horrendous crime has been committed...The initial blog is juvenile enough to give me the impression this whole thing was meant to be ironic. You all got played.

Music is music, folks. Enjoy it or don't. Otherwise, take a xanax and change your tampon.

Anonymous said...

whoa thanks! Didn't know this band before! Pretty good sound.

Anonymous said...

Amazing band! Fucking love 'em. Seen them live a couple of times. Highly recommend it! Stop hiding beheind your badass' shell and grow the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

Love this band! Nirvana and Foo Fighters? Not sure if srs. I don't think you can possibly qualify as an "elitist" if those are the first reference points of rock music for you. I hear Turbonegro, even Disfear. Amazing live band!

Anonymous said...

This band will slay your face off and then take a steamy shit right down your throat.

thehumuslayer said...

Give me a break. I understand that this blog is intended for comedic purposes, but so is Kvelertak, mostly. And isn't it painfully obvious that the music isn't even intended to be a part of the bm scene? As is pointed out - it doesn't sound like bm, it doesn't look like bm. It's like writing a scathing article about how Britney Spears is so untrue to the bm scene. Just, you know, stick to Marduk and you'll be fine. Peace out.

Anonymous said...

you guys are dumb as fuck. I don't believe you know anything about metal to begin with. I agree this band is not black metal, but i do not agree with you just wanting to shit on the internet. there are porn and smut sites that do a much better job of publicized defecation. Furthermore Skeletonwitch is solid. I would love to hear suggestions of your preferred bands. If I am swayed I will recant my comment. Until then quit measuring your chodes on the internet, and quit taking keywords that attach you to lyrical translations. reading this site was a much bigger waste of my time than listening to kvelertak.

Anonymous said...

Can't say that I care about what black metal band sells out and what doesn't... but what I DO care about is when something is claimed to be black metal (or inspired by black metal) when it doesn't contain even a drop of evil...

Mike Smith said...

Hmm, Not bad I think. By the way, for all you non-musical talented, emo wanna-be gothic gags. This is NOT Black Metal, its hardcore. Black metal is bands little Cuddle of Fluff, and Dimmu Borqueer. Is what is is. So, paint your face white, and make sure you have your spiked armor, and shield before you can show your pussy ass face in public

Mike Smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.