So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.
(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)
Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvertak's first full length, and ate Kveletak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...
The two were literally made for each other.
(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)
So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites.
(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)
Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.
Sorry I had to blow my hate wad all over this band in front of you, but these guys had it coming. You can expect more random rants in the future as well as our normally scheduled postings hopefully appearing twice a week soon (no promises to the bastard who foolishly complained that I do not post enough regularly).