You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Women Black Metal Bands, Part II: The Bitches are Back

Greetings,

It has been far too long since we focused our attention on the inferiority of the female black metal spectrum. Since the last post made it apparent that women cannot play instruments, I have begun receiving a steady flow of unknown female bands from all over the world for my Elitist review and thought. Initially I brushed them aside because many of you idiots listed the three bands I already covered in the first post. However upon further inspection I found some deeply disturbing female acts that deserve a blow to the neck with my guillotine.





(Above: Female black metal bands have been an increasing epidemic in America over the past few years. Picture taken in between their kids soccer practices.)


Here we have the same setup as last time. We will start off with the more obscure bands that are currently breeding in other parts of the world, then finish with an obvious turd. Let's move on to our first band, shall we?




Band Name
: Black Widows
Info: Possible Portugal bar sluts turned Black Metal "musicians"






(Left: Goddamn you Black Widows, have you no decency? )





I find it very often that the majority of female black metal bands tend to consist of overweight bar flies, and Black Widow don't seem to help that stereotype. Black Widow come from Portugal where the black metal scene must be extremely desperate or non-existent if these girls can get an album out. In fact, their first album even had Gunter Theys, from Ancient Rites appear on it. Too bad no one cares about Ancient Rites any more otherwise that would have meant something. Their music is described as "gothic" black metal (wow, you don't say) and without a doubt it is painful to listen to.



(Left: Be warned; she may "seduce" you with her beauty, but she is really a BLACK WIDOW. Actually, anyone dumb enough to be seduced by her mule like appearance probably deserves to die for the greater of mankind.)


Music Writing Abilities: F
Looks: F- I have seen better looking girls at the local trailer park themed bar.
Live: Whenever the bar has an "open mic" night, Black Widow will strike!
Final Score: F for sure!





Band Name: Blair Witch
Info: Named themselves after a shitty horror movie made by kids (which is bootleged constantly and sold on the streets of their hometown of Taiwan).






(Look out Gallhammer because the Taiwanese are doing everything right that you fucked up on... well sort of... )






Taiwan (of all places) gives us this weird ass all girl band named Blair Witch which makes perfect sense because we all know the real Blair Witch resides in Burkettsville, Maryland.

Little is known about this band because any information you find reads like this:

員的音樂喜好,樂風屬哥德金屬,之後由於團員更想法!!!!!!!!,期望能傳達迭,主唱Ice、貝斯小舞、鼓手A PO相繼加入,使得女巫團樂風更加多元,目前樂團寫作方向主要以旋律黑金屬為主。創作主要訴求以簡單的節屬中深層的憤怒與絕望!!!! 奏及其他音及負面的黑金樂元素來表達人心的絕望、貪婪、好戰以
!!!!

Even translated, I have no idea what it's trying to say.

The band started out as being a black/death hybrid; which, as we all know, means you cannot write music and often times mend the two together unintentionally. Pictures of the band during this time were less than flattering, the girls often times were mistaken as prostitutes. Due to this negative reaction and the realization that Taiwain's black metal scene was lacking; the girls shifted their sound to straight black metal, and over the course of four years, have yet to put out an actual album. Good job!




(An older picture of Blair Witch. Note the girl on the left is giving the "two in the pink" hand sign instead of the devil horns. A clear sign that black metal does not translate in Asian countries.)





Music Writing Abilities: C- At least they are focused on making shitty music.
Looks: early stages F / current D+
Live: Live: From the Bangkok Palace!
Final Score: C-, even though the name cannot be taken seriously





Band Name: Anguished
Info: Female Bitch Black Metal from Finland








(Left: Deemed too "EVIL" to wear human pants)
















Well shit, leave it to Finland to have some of the most idiotic and thoughtless bands to grace the black metal scene. What we have here is basically a female carbon copy of Satanic Warmaster. The solo member of the band is a certain 26 year old who goes by the ridiculous n00b name of "Possessed Demoness". Right off the bat she is giving Satanic Corpse a run for her money. However, that's where the similarities end. Instead of being a vile disgusting creature who lurks in wasteland that is Las Vegas, Possessed Demoness roams the Finnish mountainside literally half naked and dressed in corpsepaint while taking a moment or two to howl at the moon.







(Left: Oh wow, Possessed Deomoness isn't that bad looking! ohhh yeah MMMMMmmm..... oh wait, what the fuck is that on her shoulder?! Is that "IT" or possibly Gene Simmons??? no! NO! NNNOOOO!!")














Unfortunately, Possessed Demoness scarred herself with what has to be one of the dumbest looking tattoo's in black metal history. Being a black metal elitist, I hold myself to extremely high standards and that shit does not cut the cake. I would assume her next tattoo will be "Pure Fucking Black Metal" scribbled across her ass cheeks.

Another warning sign is that she is only 26. This by default renders her "n00b" status right off the bat, no matter how many black metal tattoo's she gives herself. She is clearly too young to know anything about black metal, and what she does know is probably from the internet.






(Left: Black Metal Bitch Butt... Here is the cover for her album entitled "Cold" which is a stupid title and has probably been used by about 40 other black metal bands.)










Music Writing Abilities: F+ Yeah fucking right... Its not hard to bullshit black metal, and apparently that is all women are good at doing.
Looks: D- (Finland gets this; we get Satanic Corpse... go figure)
Live: Be sure to wash your hands and get tested for Hepatitis C after attending a show
Final Score: D for Disgrace to Black Metal.



Sadly, we must end this post for now. However, I have many more all female/female fronted bands at my disposal for future posts, so you need not worry. I am nearly done with your summer reading list also with the unofficial start of summer starting next weekend. Until next time...

Sincerely,
-ABME

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anyone have a torrent to nude pics of Demoness?? I heard rumor that she has many nude photos before she did black metal. Please post here!

Anonymous said...

Love me some black metal Asians with a side of Hung-Cock Beef

Anonymous said...

Fuck You PIG

Here Me ROAR MOTHERFUCKER said...

disgusting you post this on a pro-female metal group. Please experience vagina before you beat it with a baseball bat.

Anonymous said...

RIGFHT ON TARGET!!! FUCK THESE BITCHES! THEY ARE KILLING OUR MUSICAL SCENE. FUCK FINLAND!LET IT BURN FOR ITS ATROCITIES TO BLACK METAL!!! TWAIN WILL BE DESTROYED BY A TSUNAMI!

Fatherland said...

I think I fucked Demoness once. Like at a club in Helsinki

Hogwortz said...

Dig this shit! NOW!

CuntWerx said...

Now WE are TALKING! FUCK BITCHES

Anonymous said...

This says it all. Good work Captain ABME-

http://www.bored383.com/gallery/albums/crap/Bitches_Leave.gif

Maleficium said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maleficium said...

It's telling that rather than focusing on their musical ability and lack thereof you choose to fixate on their appearance/sexual desirability.

lol sounds like someone either needs to get laid and has trouble doing so or has some serious mommy issues.

Anonymous said...

the above poster is clearly a faggot and new to to this page. On a side note, my dick would not enter anyone of these soggy cunts. End of story.

Anonymous said...

Only 26? Don't most bm musicians create their best work when they're in their late teens/early twenties? I guess, since it is a female the standards have to be lowered.

Anonymous said...

I'm in total agreement. I think there are a few exceptions though. For example Turdus Merula (yeah horrible name) is a one woman BM band with quite a bit of talent, specially for a woman! Check it out.

Angry Black Metal Elitist said...

There is a band called "Turdus"?? And you say a female runs it? Turdus.... hrmmm...

Anonymous said...

Any girl taking her clothes off loses all credibility... talent should stand on its own. Sick of whores contaminating metal, in general. The rest of these bitches just need to stop. If any female can write a legitimate black metal album, it would be a fearsome thing to behold; unfortunately I think we're ages away from that because 9/10 females into metal are raging whores good for nothing but laying on their backside and opening their legs. Not to mention hardly any of them can hold their liquor without shrieking like a fucking toddler and making stupid hand gestures. Such a joke 99% of the time.

Anonymous said...

Few things piss me off more than shitty black metal, and ugly asian bitches.

Put two and two together, and I am become death the destroyer of worlds.

Anonymous said...

Member's musical taste, style of music is Gothic metal, followed by more as members hope to convey the idea !!!!!!!!, Diego, lead singer Ice, small dance bass, drummer A PO have joined, making the witch group more diverse musical styles, present mainly in the direction of orchestra writing melodic black metal based. Create a simple section of the main demands are in the deep anger and despair!!!! Outs and other audio and negative elements of black gold music to express the people's despair, greed, militant order!!!! This is the info for 'blair witch' translated into english.

KALI//MAH said...

It looks like someone removed my response to this inane article so I'm re-posting it. Sexist morons suck cocks in hell.

Misogynist behavioral expression is an example of immaturity. In her essay titled “Why do these men hate women”, Vivian Gornick describes misogynist behavioral expression: “There is no substance here; there is no wisdom; only a mechanical, driven rhetoric: the rhetoric of therapy rather than the language of art” (pg 195, Essays in Feminism). Sexism manifested through art (audio or visual), according to Gornick, results in “the kind of self-absorption that results in emotional stupidity” (pg 195, Essays in Feminism). Black Metal is a form of emotional expression, the music itself summons feelings everyday people suppress. Sexism expressed through Black Metal is a manifestation of the very thing Black Metal musicians and fans are rebelling against, social normality. It is the norm to confine your expression to a social standard.

Anonymous said...

This shit is so fucking funny I just to fuck this broad from Finland.

Roxy Bones said...

*sigh* I'm all for women making GOOD (this is the key word here) black metal but I really have been disappointed by the efforts women have made to break into this genre. It seems like the more I hear, the less I want to :(

Hodr VanNorden said...

Kind of ironic to say you are too young to know anything about Black Metal if you are under 26 years old. Isn't some of the best and purest Black Metal made by musicians under that age? Ulver, Mayhem (Dead committed suicide at 22), Darkthrone, Taake, Urgehal, Carpathian Forest, Satyricon, and Enslaved (guitarist was 14!!!), to name a very few were making their 'classics' then... I do like some of your opinions, but this blog writes some pretty ignorant, un-BM rubbish. I myself am 24 and have listened to BM since high school and did not, "Attain most of my knowledge from the Internet."

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/user/MardraumOfficial/videos