You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Weston "Arcane" Cage aka Why American Black Metal Will Never Be Taken Seriously

Greetings,

In recent news, it came to my attention that Nicolas Cage was arrested for allegedly beating his wife and mouthing off to cops daring them to arrest him. To make the story even more bizarre, former racist drug czar Dog the Bounty Hunter paid his bail.

Now I am sure you are asking: "But ABME, what does this have to do with black metal? What is this blog? Some Perez Hilton shit now?"

Well as many of you know (or probably not if you live outside of the US), Nicolas Cage's son Weston participates in a self proclaimed black metal band that is often times referred to as "...the Dimmu Borgir of LA".



Now after hearing this story, it made me think "why would Nicolas Cage allegedly beat his wife??"

My conclusion is (and remember this based solely on my elitist detective work) that his wife Alice Kim got angry when Nicolas was blasting his sons band "Eyes of Noctum" while speeding down the highway. When she told him to turn that Dimmu Borgir inspired rip-off shit down, Nicolas flipped. I can only then assume she made a comment about how the West Coast Black Metal scene is already in shambles and that supporting this type of garbage was only going to make matters worse. A furious Nicolas cage must have then decided to take matters into his own hands and what happens next we will not know till the American Justice system gets off its lazy ass. I did hear a rumor though that when police arrived on the scene, Cage turned up Eyes of Noctum full blast to try and confuse them and began head banging to it while standing on the roof of his car. This of course is all speculation...

Left we have the most recent mugshot of Nicolas Cage who chose to keep his eyes closed for comedic sake I assume, and to the right we have a recent picture of Weston Cage who should have just kept his eyes closed because he just looks like a retard...yes... a BIG fucking retard I mean.











Here I have assembled a time line of what I believe went wrong and how Eyes of Noctum came to power:

Early Childhood

Despite being brought up in a life in front of the camera, Weston enjoyed a fruitful childhood wearing Mickey Mouse shirts and dancing to Michael Jackson (as most kids did in the 80's). Nicolas was becoming an established actor and Weston was suddenly becoming the new kid on the block. His dad was in major blockbusters like Con Air, The Rock, Face Off, and things were only looking up.



Left: Weston at a early age was often times confused about why he had to dress nice and pose for pictures constantly...












...and slowly he began to despise this process.... Little did he know he would soon be trading in his necklaces for spiked arm bands and inverted crosses...












Teenage Years

Research suggest it is about this time that Weston began speaking with imaginary "pet demons" called Lucifri and Moorokook. Also speaking in tongues was not uncommon as well dating women twice his age. I would pin point this era as the stage he first began listening to "evil" music like Rammstein and Cradle of Filth.







Left: During his teenage years, Weston began dabbling in shitty music like Cradle of Filth and later day Dimmu Borgir (post EDT). His appearance changed greatly and began skipping church









While school was a lost cause, Nicolas noticed his son had a "don't fuck with me" appearance and hired him full time as a body guard. This was actually the high point of his life for the next several years, up until he pushed an elderly lady in front of a bus. It turns out she was simply taking pictures of pigeons she was feeding and had no idea who Nicolas Cage was.







Left: Not wanting to attend public schools or college, Nicolas would eventually hire Weston as his personal body guard against Paparazzi.










Early to mid 20's

Defiant and no longer proud of his fathers movie resume, Weston found himself being dragged to movie premiers such as as National Treasure, G-Force, and Bangkok Dangerous. Weston still liked all the attention, but felt he needed to get it by other means...but what could that be?






Left: Weston was often times dragged to red carpet events with his father. Despite his fathers pleas, Weston would show up wearing eyeliner, cheap pleather pants, and non-designer brand boots.Here he is pictured at the opening for "The Ant Bully"

The "RoCk Supa Starz" era - Present Day


Then it came to Weston one night. Form a LA Black Metal band! Perfect! His dad could easily fund the project and it would get Weston out of Nicolas' mansion. Weston set forth with a band of goons, put out a really horrible fucking "sympho-core" black metal album, and some how managed to open for fucking Urgehal!!!. Un-fucking believable.... Here we have some selected pictures for your viewing pleasure:





West pictured here with what I am assuming is his mom due to her age, must have read my blog and is playing it safe by not putting any lame patches on his denim vest.












The most commonly known photo of Weston is not a band pic, but instead this lame photo featuring him with his apparently drunk father. The photo would be pressed in some bullshit tabloid magazine and shipped out to grocery stores across America that I am sure your mom read while ignoring your cries for candy while standing in the checkout line.








In what was considered one of the most disastrous album artwork decisions since Obtained Enslavement's "Shepherd and the Hounds of Hell" album; Eyes of Noctum's "Inceptum" was released to an unsuspecting USBM scene with a Parental Advisory warning slapped on the front. The PA warning alone is serious violation of Black Metal code and carries a very hefty punishment.






Conclusion:

According to the information gathered, using his dads money was guaranteed to turn his band successful overnight!! So in conclusion here (again this is gathered from my elitist studies), if it were not for his for his rich father (who at one point owned TWO CASTLES), I am almost positive Eyes of Noctum would not have existed. Need more proof?
Read these liner notes:

Session drums by:
Hellhammer (black metal's drumming whore) and Snowy Shaw (who's only worthy credit is playing for Mercyful Fate which is immediately canceled out for playing on the new Dimmu album and this shit).

The CD was recorded at Studio Fredman in Gothenburg, Sweden and produced by Fredrik Nordström (which is not a big deal because Dan Swano owns his nu-metal ass when it comes to everything) with contributions by the renowned music producer Jack Douglas (REALLY??? This is a fucking LAME black metal album, so Jack Douglas must have worked wonders on this mule dung).

Name me ONE band that actually is talented that got this first class (or shit class because nothing listed above is worth bragging about) treatment for their debut album. That's right, no demo extensive touring to get your name out. To make matters worse, it is clear Weston has not a single clue what black metal is about.

Here are comments from some retarded apes who thought this album was amazing:

"...(Eyes of Noctum) actually really kicks major ass!! Its like Dimmu Borgir with less keyboards which makes it much cooler"

"Best f*cking album I have heard, Nicholas Cage should be proud of his son for now he knows what true black metal is about"

"...saw them live and Nick cage was there too! He was super nice even though you think he would be a dick like in his movies. Got a picture of him too!"

"Ant Bully is not suitable for kids under 10 as it does use words like "shut-up" and "idiot" at least a dozen times"

People who live in LA are fucking brats. I anxiously await the day LA falls off into the Pacific Ocean and takes all their snot nose bitches and false metal twats with it.
More to come soon regarding Weston's mom and a certain Norwegian clown she is seeing... I leave you with this flyer...













Welcome to America Urgehal, where we will give you a bunch of our shitty USBM acts to open up for you.











Regards,
-ABME

22 comments:

Andrew said...

... fish in a barrel.

Anonymous said...

Wow... I am speechless. No wonder your American bands are never taken seriously over here... Great oost though I fell out of chair laughing at least seven times.

Jared From Subway said...

Black metal with PA stickers? Give me a fucking break!

On another note; LOL at the Ant Bully comment...

Lasuruz said...

That cannot be the actual album cover! I just spit my morning mocha-chena all over the monitor.

Anonymous said...

That dude is a huge "metal slut" magnet. I know the sluty bitches who were squawking about him when he was on that tour. Talkin about how they were going to meet him and try to hook it up and shit like they knew him. Speaking of which, you are due for a new Women of Black Metal post ABME!

Anonymous said...

Wow...

ashamed said...

Yyeeaahhhh our west coast black metal scene has just become a fat fucking joke... I apologize to the entire metal scene for my states stupidity...

Anonymous said...

Not all USBM is complete abortion, see Black Twilight Circle.

Anonymous said...

When is the follow up on this post cumming out!!!!

Anonymous said...

Your satire is on the mark. It's "trve." It points out all of the ridiculousness of black metal and why I only observe the scene from afar nowadays.

Sharon said...

I don't anything about black metal however I do agree that he most likely got (or his band that us) by his daddy's money and fame! But I have to say as a woman, Westen is extremely hot!

Anonymous said...

That clown opened for Urgehal???!!! What the fuck is wrong with black metal nowadays!

Anonymous said...

Love how their name on the flyer is very small. Even the promoter is embarrassed.

darkcavedweller said...

Sorry for posting so late, but I am a nOOb to the ABME. Please forgive. Honestly, WTF does ANYONE in LA have to be evil about? Its all sunshine and slots. Now, if Westie wants to be depressed, he should move to the Midwest. That will make ANYBODY evil. What a p.o.s. Hope he and his father burn in heaven

Anonymous said...

The funniest and most ironic bit of all is that Weston's mom (yes the lady pictured with him IS his mom) briefly became the 18th heavily surgically advanced wife of Shagrath of Dimmu. I'm not sure how he tells all his wives apart, since they all look exactly the same. But since he has recently been seen about town with every woman on earth BESIDES his wife, I'm sure she'll be replaced soon...then maybe Weston will fight Shagrath to defend his mom's honor. This I gotta see!

Anonymous said...

@sharon I think you meant "his father's bank account balance is hot."

Anonymous said...

weston is a mess, but the writer comes off as a jealous, bitchy woman.

Anonymous said...

You could also write similar articles about why English black metal will never be taken seriously because of Dani Filth, or why all black metal from Norway will never be taken seriously because of butt-fucking Gaahl and his fashionista dick sucking boyfriend. There are worthless fucks in every country in this genre. Funny thing is, when you get into black metal scenes in European countries, all you find is a bunch of child drunks who talk about how evil they are and care more about their spikes and leather than actually spreading chaos. When you get into many American black metal scenes, you find genuinely violent, militant, heavily armed (with guns, not kitchen knives) physically trained soldiers ready to blow your puny head off. So you tell me who is more "troo", those ready to actually wage war, or those who sit around talking about it.

microskomp said...

by far, the best take on amercian celebs that i have ever feasted my "vulcan squinties" on. good job, juggalo pimp! *roaring applause*

Daniel Bantjes said...

Lol Black Metal was always more of a parody anyways hahaha

MaximumChaosMachine said...

Geez that's what I hate about black metal is all the fuckin snobs, I play in both a brutal death metal group (Infensus Inferi) and a blackened death metal (Novgorod) and I give everyone their due and don't talk shit about their musical choices, nobody likes a cocksucker!

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