In recent news, it came to my attention that Nicolas Cage was arrested for allegedly beating his wife and mouthing off to cops daring them to arrest him. To make the story even more bizarre, former racist drug czar Dog the Bounty Hunter paid his bail.
Now I am sure you are asking: "But ABME, what does this have to do with black metal? What is this blog? Some Perez Hilton shit now?"
Well as many of you know (or probably not if you live outside of the US), Nicolas Cage's son Weston participates in a self proclaimed black metal band that is often times referred to as "...the Dimmu Borgir of LA".
Now after hearing this story, it made me think "why would Nicolas Cage allegedly beat his wife??"
My conclusion is (and remember this based solely on my elitist detective work) that his wife Alice Kim got angry when Nicolas was blasting his sons band "Eyes of Noctum" while speeding down the highway. When she told him to turn that Dimmu Borgir inspired rip-off shit down, Nicolas flipped. I can only then assume she made a comment about how the West Coast Black Metal scene is already in shambles and that supporting this type of garbage was only going to make matters worse. A furious Nicolas cage must have then decided to take matters into his own hands and what happens next we will not know till the American Justice system gets off its lazy ass. I did hear a rumor though that when police arrived on the scene, Cage turned up Eyes of Noctum full blast to try and confuse them and began head banging to it while standing on the roof of his car. This of course is all speculation...
Here I have assembled a time line of what I believe went wrong and how Eyes of Noctum came to power:
Despite being brought up in a life in front of the camera, Weston enjoyed a fruitful childhood wearing Mickey Mouse shirts and dancing to Michael Jackson (as most kids did in the 80's). Nicolas was becoming an established actor and Weston was suddenly becoming the new kid on the block. His dad was in major blockbusters like Con Air, The Rock, Face Off, and things were only looking up.
Left: Weston at a early age was often times confused about why he had to dress nice and pose for pictures constantly...
...and slowly he began to despise this process.... Little did he know he would soon be trading in his necklaces for spiked arm bands and inverted crosses...
Research suggest it is about this time that Weston began speaking with imaginary "pet demons" called Lucifri and Moorokook. Also speaking in tongues was not uncommon as well dating women twice his age. I would pin point this era as the stage he first began listening to "evil" music like Rammstein and Cradle of Filth.
Left: During his teenage years, Weston began dabbling in shitty music like Cradle of Filth and later day Dimmu Borgir (post EDT). His appearance changed greatly and began skipping church
While school was a lost cause, Nicolas noticed his son had a "don't fuck with me" appearance and hired him full time as a body guard. This was actually the high point of his life for the next several years, up until he pushed an elderly lady in front of a bus. It turns out she was simply taking pictures of pigeons she was feeding and had no idea who Nicolas Cage was.
Left: Not wanting to attend public schools or college, Nicolas would eventually hire Weston as his personal body guard against Paparazzi.
Early to mid 20's
Defiant and no longer proud of his fathers movie resume, Weston found himself being dragged to movie premiers such as as National Treasure, G-Force, and Bangkok Dangerous. Weston still liked all the attention, but felt he needed to get it by other means...but what could that be?
Left: Weston was often times dragged to red carpet events with his father. Despite his fathers pleas, Weston would show up wearing eyeliner, cheap pleather pants, and non-designer brand boots.Here he is pictured at the opening for "The Ant Bully"
The "RoCk Supa Starz" era - Present Day
Then it came to Weston one night. Form a LA Black Metal band! Perfect! His dad could easily fund the project and it would get Weston out of Nicolas' mansion. Weston set forth with a band of goons, put out a really horrible fucking "sympho-core" black metal album, and some how managed to open for fucking Urgehal!!!. Un-fucking believable.... Here we have some selected pictures for your viewing pleasure:
West pictured here with what I am assuming is his mom due to her age, must have read my blog and is playing it safe by not putting any lame patches on his denim vest.
The most commonly known photo of Weston is not a band pic, but instead this lame photo featuring him with his apparently drunk father. The photo would be pressed in some bullshit tabloid magazine and shipped out to grocery stores across America that I am sure your mom read while ignoring your cries for candy while standing in the checkout line.
In what was considered one of the most disastrous album artwork decisions since Obtained Enslavement's "Shepherd and the Hounds of Hell" album; Eyes of Noctum's "Inceptum" was released to an unsuspecting USBM scene with a Parental Advisory warning slapped on the front. The PA warning alone is serious violation of Black Metal code and carries a very hefty punishment.
According to the information gathered, using his dads money was guaranteed to turn his band successful overnight!! So in conclusion here (again this is gathered from my elitist studies), if it were not for his for his rich father (who at one point owned TWO CASTLES), I am almost positive Eyes of Noctum would not have existed. Need more proof?
Read these liner notes:
Session drums by:
Hellhammer (black metal's drumming whore) and Snowy Shaw (who's only worthy credit is playing for Mercyful Fate which is immediately canceled out for playing on the new Dimmu album and this shit).
The CD was recorded at Studio Fredman in Gothenburg, Sweden and produced by Fredrik Nordström (which is not a big deal because Dan Swano owns his nu-metal ass when it comes to everything) with contributions by the renowned music producer Jack Douglas (REALLY??? This is a fucking LAME black metal album, so Jack Douglas must have worked wonders on this mule dung).
Name me ONE band that actually is talented that got this first class (or shit class because nothing listed above is worth bragging about) treatment for their debut album. That's right, no demo extensive touring to get your name out. To make matters worse, it is clear Weston has not a single clue what black metal is about.
Here are comments from some retarded apes who thought this album was amazing:
"...(Eyes of Noctum) actually really kicks major ass!! Its like Dimmu Borgir with less keyboards which makes it much cooler"
"Best f*cking album I have heard, Nicholas Cage should be proud of his son for now he knows what true black metal is about"
"...saw them live and Nick cage was there too! He was super nice even though you think he would be a dick like in his movies. Got a picture of him too!"
"Ant Bully is not suitable for kids under 10 as it does use words like "shut-up" and "idiot" at least a dozen times"
People who live in LA are fucking brats. I anxiously await the day LA falls off into the Pacific Ocean and takes all their snot nose bitches and false metal twats with it.
More to come soon regarding Weston's mom and a certain Norwegian clown she is seeing... I leave you with this flyer...
Welcome to America Urgehal, where we will give you a bunch of our shitty USBM acts to open up for you.