First off I would like to thank both S. and our special guest Lord Theynian of Dodkvlt for taking over while I was busy. I get called out on assignments for some of the dumbest reasons... this past week I had to confirm that a pink Deathcrush Picture LP album was an obvious bootleg. Fucking moron was trying to pawn it for half a thousand bucks. Of course when he saw me enter the pawn shop he shit his pants in fear....
On to today's topic...
You've read about it in shitty magazines like Revolver, Kerrang!, and Metal Mania... you've most likely even seen your favorite bands play live their on shitty bootleg torrents. Now that you are in highschool, its time for you to take the big step forward and go to WACKEN!!! Yes, this will most likely be the defining moment in your pathetic life! However, this is trip will cost you an arm and leg; and your job cleaning up fat people's shit at McDonalds is not going to cut it. Time to go to extreme measures to assure yourself a ticket....
(Left: I know, its tempting... but your moms purse holds the key to you going to Wacken... go on... DO IT!)
So after paying an absurd price (I am quick to point out some asshole will say some meaningless shit like "For $300 you get 50+ metal bands and a experience that..." blah blah blah *continuous horseshit) you finally receive your golden ticket that features artwork, spelling, and other incoherent "metal" jargon that is sure to capture your short-lived attention. Time to book your flight, we are headed to Germany!!!
(Left: All I have to say is "THANX METALHEADS!" )
It is also worth noting that the tickets bare a "Metalheads Against Racism" symbol. This is probably because Nazi shit is illegal in Germany, despite the fact we know there will be a huge population of skinheads there for Behemoth and Dimmu Borgir.
For your protection I have taken the time to provide some of the top ten "Atrocities Against Metal" you will witness....
What to expect at the show:
1) The European version of "Mallcore" kids
(Left: Make new friends and meet awesome euro-metal heads likes these guys!)
Unlike the their American counterparts, the average European Mallcore kid begins drinking at the age of 16; thus making them utterly stupid at a younger age.
2) Gaahl Supporters
Wacken is apparently the only place in the world where supporters of Gaahl (and King) can come together and feel safe from blinding spit of true black metal fans. Seeing the event is labeled as an "anti-hate" event, no elitists are permitted on the event grounds to uphold the blackened law.
3) NWOSDM fans
(Left: Confused patrons asking onlookers if they know what time In Flames will play their set)
"Is At The Gates back together yet?" Yes, those NWOSDM bastards whom you wished would have stayed dead in the 90's are alive and well, enjoying themselves at the show.
4)Unfathomable amounts of drunk men showing their pimpled asses
(Typical drunk white people who knew nothing about their heritage until nut-job Mel Gibson made Braveheart.)
As we have noted here in the blog; women metal heads act like retards when they are drunk (often times in general), but at Wacken men can be equally stupid as well. Drunk men wave their acne-scared asses as if they were women showing their floppy breasts at Mardi Gras. It would seem that people who attend this event are so wasted, the actually find this form of barbaric behavior "funny".
5) LOTS of crowd surfing
(Left: Would you want this guys smelly ass hovering above you? I sure hope not...)
Crowd surfing at small clubs and venues is annoying enough. Now imagine you have a bunch of half-naked drunk and sweaty men coming from above you at all angles. Not a pretty thought when you think about it.... Sadly these "fests' are full of drunk douchebags who think people want to lift them around. My elitist advice? Punch them in the nuts and steal their wallet/weed when they fall.
6) Ungodly Mosh Pits
So you thought crowd surfing was annoying as fuck? Well welcome to the single most annoying feature of going to a live metal show... The mosh pit; a barbaric act of stupidity in which metal heads with small dicks jump into a circle and show the metal scene that they are worthy of being taken seriously... at least that is what I have come to the conclusion of.
(Left: A satellite image from NORAD of the circle pit that was created last year during Dimmu Borgir's set. The destructive force ended up floating over several small islands of Malaysia killing hundreds of innocent people in what was declared that countries worst unnatural disaster to date.)
(The senseless destruction caused by the '10 mosh pit caused Malaysia to ban all "idiotic forms of music" and going as far as taking it to the UN to get it banned. However, everyone knows the UN doesn't do shit, so mallcore music was again allowed to reign chaos.)
7)Women Raping Men
(Left: A metal slut raping a drunk male. Note the Metal Slut has a Rainbow patch vest; a sure sign of failure)
Attending these shows often gives men the illusion that they are high and mighty while completely trashed and covered in others puke. However they forget there bitches out their who want to take advantage of them...
Think getting drunk and banging a "metal slut" with beer goggles on is a good idea? Think again, because by the time you sober up, that metal slut could look a little something like this:
(Left: Yes, that IS Satanic Corpse... wearing a day glow orange wig... )
8) Vile breeding conditions
(Left: Perfect breeding facilities for young n00b couples and ICP fans alike)
You cannot make out with your metal slut because you have puked in the tent. What are your other viable options now? Why not try the porta-potties? Of course you don't use protection so now you can add Hepatitis C to your list of STD's given to you while being raped.
In all honesty, this event is nothing but garbage. Shitty mallcore bands, metal sluts, drunk naked men.... If you ask me, they should just bulldoze the whole thing and turn it into a landfill.
10) Completely head-scratching headlining acts
Thats right! Who does not want to see a line up that has a list of headliners which goes something like this:
METALLICA featuring JOEY JORDISON OF SLipKnoT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOOOLLLYYY SHIITTT!!!! This is worse than a fatal 18 car pile up. 20 years ago if you would have told me Mayhem would be sharing the stage with Korn I would have laughed myself to death. Now sadly, it has become reality...
So with all that said, maybe going to Wacken is not such a good idea after all... However, that is simply my elitist opinion, and I am sure by the time you finish reading this on your iPad 2, you will already be stepping foot on German soil.
Stay tuned as we will pump more elitist rants out this week and next. Some topics might just pertain to you!