Until the Mallcore Scene Takes Us....

Greetings,

So as we all know, in 2008 some idiot felt it necessary to make a movie about black metal. You know, why not? Punks did it, hippies did it, Disco fools did too... Why not make a movie about the black metal scene (and make some money while exploiting it at the same time)? There was already a shitty book written about it, so a shitty movie was almost mandatory. The timing was right... mallcore kids who were born in late 90's were starting to grasp the Mayhem/Burzum story and began tweeting it to each other on their cell phones, Burzum's discography was ranked amongst the highest illegally downloaded metal albums of all time, and idiot kids had their very own "metal" show on Cartoon Network to watch at night before having to go to bed. The window of opportunity to inform this "idiot-mallcore" generation of black metal and make profit was now and what better way to promote the film than social networks!





(Left: Thankfully they opted out on the tag line "Coming to a Church Near You")















So the "Black Metal Movie" hype began, and tweens all over the world were talking about it. However there was money to be made, and old school black metal fans were not exempt from the target audience... One typical older fan was quoted as saying: "I want to see this movie... I know my shit about black metal, I just want to see the Varg part. I want to know how he talks and how his voice sounds after not screaming on albums for so long. I mean its not like he screamed in prison... I don't think..." Needless to say, the marketing on social networks managed to appeal to the "open minded black metal" crowd as well. However they like anything, so their opinions obviously do not matter.


(Left: Varg seen here was initially asked if he would be willing to participate in the making of the movie. His response: "Your making a movie about BLACK METAL?? And its going to be shown in theaters around the world?? You pulled me out of my jail cell for this?? Hahahhaha!!!!!!" Varg would eventually sign a six figure deal to do the movie)





So after a successful media frenzy, the fans were packing the theaters at select cities all over the world... Theaters were literally sold out of tickets, and often requested to have the film reels return to the theater for additional dates.


(Left: Screaming tweens flash their camera's at the first glimpse of Fenriz who made a guest appearance at the Burbank, California premier. )












(Left: First in line at the Detroit showing, April "Crimson" Lockheart explains how she waited out in the streets of Detroit and had her jacket and iPod full of black metal stolen by some "gangster thug" around 2 am that morning. "Its a horrible loss, but at least I am in front of the line... and I am sporting my Immortal witch hat too!")






So the movie itself, blabs on about shit everyone should know, but do not because Metalocalypse cannot fit it all into three seasons. We have interviews with drunken Fenriz, Idiot Varg, and Trickster G amongst others... Listen... If your an experienced Black Metal Elitist like me, you get what you pay for with this movie, and that is for them to tell you what you already know, except in widescreen HD format. What REAL fans really want to know are questions like "Why has former Abruptum member IT not gone through with his death threats to kill Varg once he was released from prison?" and "What brand of underwear was Oysten Aarseth killed in when he fell down the stairs?"Real Elitist like me have been pondering these questions for decades...



(Left: A deleted scene in which Fenriz was informed they were going to pay him in lite beer because the budget was getting out of hand)










And what is a good successful movie without some totally rad merchandise? Thats right kids, its time again to beg mom (or steal from her wallet while she is sleeping) for some money. If you did not grab the UtLTU exclusive merch back in 2008, you were "That Dimmu Borgir fan" at school.





(Left: Exclusively licensed Until The Light Takes US t-shirts were available only at Hot Topic stores in towns where the movie was shown.)










(Left: Screaming mad fans dash for the last remaining copies of the movie novelization, complete with novice corpse paint.)










So what do I rate this movie? Horns down! DUH... if your a fan of this movie, then please go change your diaper because I am sure you just shit yourself after reading this review. Sorry, but this movie is nothing but teenage cannon fodder exploiting the black metal scene, plain and simple. Plans on the sequel "Until the Christian God Takes Us: The History of Viking Metal" are already going forward and set to release early 2012. Stay tuned for that review.

Well thanks for reading,
I enjoy reading your idiotic fan comments under the posts, so keep them coming.
Regards-
ABME