You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
Questions? Comments? Angry cry baby threats? Email: AngryBlackMetalElitist@gmail.com

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Angry Black Metal Elitist will return...

...in the year 2033, or until completely forgotten. Yes I know, you will no longer have some one to guide you in your pathetic process of choosing good music. However, the popularity of this page has risen to the point that I might as well just sell out and sign to Nuclear Blast. Although the site will be down, you may see me giving my elitist rants on other blogs/pages in the meantime. Until then, I hope to loose all the popularity I have gained and return to my underground roots and forget that people like you have shitty tastes in music.

Regards,
-ABME

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The WORST "Black Metal" Albums of 2011




Greetings,

Keeping true to the tradition set last year, I figure what better way to start off 2012 then by listing the top 10 shittiest albums of 2011. Yes, these were the most notable albums responsible for spreading the incurable "poseur-cancer" known as "Black metal AIDS" around the scene in 2011. Naturally, just about 99.999% of this years known black metal releases deserve a spot on this list, but these select few should do just fine.

Note that I also designed this post in an "printer-friendly" check-list format, so you may take it with you next time you go shopping with your parents at Mal-Wart or Best Buy.  So without any further interruption, lets see whats going on at the awards ceremony shall we?


The crowd seems to be pouring in right now... glad to see so many people think modern day black metal fucking sucks mule dick.... Naturally, this event is being held in an undisclosed underground bunker of sorts and invites were only sent out to the most noteworthy tape/vinyl traders and underground black metal artists alike.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hdK6qvoq-1M/Tt2u47xH8CI/AAAAAAAADQU/yvCyWUmcDMY/s1600/academyawards.jpeg 

Oh dear, it looks like members of  Watain unwisely decided to stop by. Too bad they were not invited, and probably thought this was the MTV Awards, where they were to pick up a cash-money prize for being the most profitable Black Metal band of the year. Sorry, guys, no Grammy winners allowed here. Please report back to your stretch hummer above ground.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5tOU83YBb0/TTWGMslGqLI/AAAAAAAACpU/19RwUJEjKJE/s1600/PROMO.jpg 
"bbooooooo!!! Boooooo!!! Hiisss hissssssssssss! You FUCKING SUCK!"


It looks like things have just begun to settle down, so let us begin!






10) Craft - Void

                                                     
Soon to be Grammy winning pop icons of Scandinavia, Craft secure the 10th spot on the list with ease. As you all know, we here at TABME page have always predicted the sellout status of this band, and at no point have we ever truly supported them (except for their failure)! Bonus points for the not using black metal font, and having a shitty album cover in general.






9) Blut aus Nord - 777 Sect(s)

                                                      http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qhOLQ_mEiq0/TYf6zBzgseI/AAAAAAAAAPM/aEDq90RKq3I/s1600/cover.jpg

Wow, Blut aus Nord have managed to do the impossible with this album, and I will give them complete credit. "777Sect(s)" appears to be the band's creative attempt of recreating the audio-visualization of a whale taking a massive shit in the ocean. Not only that, but then they packaged it and sold it as an album to unsuspecting hipsters for mass profit! Good work Blut aus Nord, because it had the thick rimmed hipster community in an uproar over how "genre defying" and important the album was in relation to the evolution of black metal (something every true elitist is against mind you). Every time you see some scene kid rave about this album, it's almost guaranteed they watch Family Guy and play Pokemon daily.





8) Blut aus Nord - 777 Desanctifaction

     

Blut aus Nord must have been extremely eager to try and make it onto my list of shittiest albums of 2011, so to secure their spot, they released a second album 2011 called "777 Defecation" or some shit like that. Right off the bat, the listener's audio channels are assaulted with a thumping bass filled "skip-hop" beat,  which apparently is fairly comon in the French BM scene nowadays. On top of the mind-numbing rap influences on this album, it still feature non-stop whale defecation visualizations much like the last album. NEXT.



 
       
7) Kampfar – Mare
http://www.metal-archives.com/images/2/9/5/4/295484.jpg

Right off the bat we are confronted with a problem on the new Kampfar release. Instead of focusing their attention on good song writing (something which has been absent in this band since 1997), Kampfar take another forgettable audio trip down "rat shit lane"and even tack on a a dedication to the release reading:  "Mare is dedicated to the women who chose to walk their own path."... Yeah, a path alright... More like the path right back into the kitchen to get me an expensive imported beer, and then to turn this audio abortion of an album off before anymore of my precious hearing is lost. "Inspirational" message aside , the music is dull and boring- something Kampfar have been good at producing since their debut. Oh yeah, the album artwork blows also as you can tell...

 

 

6) Glorior Belli - The Great Southern Darkness

 

http://drawtodeath.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/glorior-belli1.jpg

I'd expect the ultimate in "shitty Dimebag worship/black metal" to hail from the bible belt portion of the USA, but oddly enough France holds this embarrassing achievement. Glorior Belli continuously humiliate their country and it's laughable Black Metal scene. The fact that Pantera's brand of shitty music gave influence to a European band is embarrassing enough. If you want a good laugh or hate France in general, pop in The Great Southern Trendki- uuuhhh I mean Darkness...      

                                         

                 

  
5) Gorgoroth-  Under the Sign of Hell 2011

                                                  http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/2/2/5/322597.jpg?2331

Here is a great idea: Re-record the last classic album by this band that captured the raw and negative nature of mankind, slap a "2011" date to the end of the title, and use it to paint a picture of everything wrong in the "Norwegian $cene" nowadays. Surprisingly the vast majority of people actually took a shit on this album, giving these mallcore critics some minor credit.






 4) Burzum - From the Depths of Darkness

http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/1/9/1/319197.jpg?4535

Up and coming hipster icon Varg Vikernes, who is obviously not immune to selling his pagan soul for vasts amounts of money, decidedly put out a whopping two albums this past year. However unlike Blood From North, I will only focus on one (Fallen most likely still resides on the top 10 on the UK Pop Charts). From the Depths of Darkness is flat out horse shit. Don't even bother trying to tell me it's worth a second listen, because I knew this album was shit within the first 10 seconds of listening to it. You see, Varg has become aware of his teenage "X-hand" fan base who will buy anything he puts out, because it's "cool". Teens=money, money=new farm animals/tools. So scrap that whole "I will only put out two more albums and call it quits" talk. There is a new tool shed to be built!





3) Lifelover - Sjukdom 

Well no surprise Lifelover's final album was bloated pile of dogshit. What a shame, but it was to be expected. B will be missed... not by me of course, but his cry baby wanna be "suicidal" fans.   Anyway lets move past this train wreck onto our next album, as I have already discussed this festering rat child of an album in previous posts.





 2) Leviathan  - True Traitor, True Whore
                                  
                                                  http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/1/6/6/316605.jpg?0006 

After the abysmal last album, Wrest looked liked he was taking the right path and entering jail, never to release another album. I would like to think Wrest was incarcerated for not only his crimes in the West Coast USBM scene, but also Black Metal in general. However I have come to terms that forcible sodomy is good enough. So with his release, Wrest signs to hipster haven Profound Lore Records and unfortunately puts out another album. Go figure that Wrest now resembles the majority of his fan base- overly tattooed beard-neck homeless runaways, who wear whatever black metal shirt they can find at a thrift store regardless if it's the right size. Don't bother defending this album... you will only look even more stupid than you already do with that Mastadon shirt and those tight black jeans.




Well the time has come... It's now time to finally find out who will claim the number one spot for the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011...


over polished/triggered-double bass drum roll (produced and engineered at The Abyss studio)  please....
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1) Every "hipster/shoegaze black metal" release of 2011


Yes, last year might as well just be labeled "Year of the Hipster" or "The year Black Metal died for the 20th consecutive year". It was impossible to pin-point one specific release for the number one spot, so noting they all share the same shitty unbelievable sub-genre of black metal, I decided to place them all in one giant smelly pile of shit for the number one position.

"Beardnecks", "thick-rimmers", "pot heads who steal your shit when your high"... whatever you want to call them, they are America's plague and are quickly spreading all over the globe. One thing is for certain, I will not give up the fight against these wanna-be homeless "musicians". My very own record shop even has a "no-hipster" policy and customers are constantly screened before entering to look at vinyl.

Congratulations for your noble attempts at destroying my beloved scene, you sorry ass beardnecks.


2012: THE CURRENT STATE OF BLACK METAL


 And here to present our winners of  the Worst Black Metal Album of 2011 award, it's Sweden's very own  Justin Timberlake!


And with that said, 2012 has a lot of interesting posts ahead of us... 
We shall see which ones make the cut. 
Until next time, keep dreaming that you're part of my elitist circle...

Regards,
-ABME

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Reutrn...


Greetings...

I am temporarily back from my well needed vacation, but before I talk about how the new Leviathan album is a "festering pile senior citizen dog shit", let me address some thanks where it belongs. First off, I would like to thank both S. and Lord K. for keeping this blog somewhat of a float during my much needed leave of absence. Lord K. as you all know has been updating and tweaking the page, and you will be hearing more from him in the future as he will be a new contributor (having cleared a strict background check and thorough forensic search of his computer to make sure no Behemoth/Avenge Sevenfold/As I lay Dying MP3s ever stained his hard drive). Anyway, I will be keeping this post short, mainly because I have a backlog of underground releases to listen to, who's time is obviously worth way more than yours.

             (Above: THE REBIRTH OF ABME... well not really, seeing I never changed the layout or updated the page any)

Here are a few items I noticed upon my returning:

E-mail: Yes, lots of it. I am willing to say that the vast majority of it was not worth my time reading. I am under the impression that someone must have put an invisible banner on my page that only morons can see which reads "Please email ABME your band name and Myspace link where he can listen to your feeble attempts of penetrating the underground black metal scene. Also, if ABME does not reply within four weeks, be sure to RESEND it again and ask if ABME got the last email".

(Above: Sadly since my absence, the ABME chart maker went down and is currently being updated. However, I was able to find this quick and shitty pie chart maker online to help break down the statistics of my email inbox upon my return. Note the high amount of stupid readers who asked for me to listen to their band, even after word of my alleged death.)

Leviathan: A new album out by Wrest. Well fear not, because A) I am not a hipster and B) I will be goddamned if a label ever sends me another free promo CD again. With that said, I have all the freedom to say it "fucking blows emo skater dick" without fear of repercussion. Anyway, I will delve into this more with the next post...

          (Above: It would seem all it took was a domestic dispute and a trip to the slammer
to get Wrest off his ass and put out another album.)

Blut aus Nord: ANOTHER "Blood from North" album out already?! "Thick Rimmers" unite. A sure sign that the current underground may be caving in upon itself sooner than we thought. More on this later...

 (Above: Pretty self explanatory)

Rites of Darkness: What can I say about this event that has not already been mentioned a thousand times. Oh I know, next time you have a giant sum of money headed your way via Paypal, it would probably be a good idea to READ THE FINE PRINT. Even an elitist like myself is well aware of the evils of Paypal. 

You: "But ABME. NO ONE reads the fine print! That's for pussies"
Me: True, and that's also how bands drop off your tour and fans shit all over your event.

The show still went on though, and apparently was a "success" (I am assuming success meaning the venue was not set ablaze, and/or the promoter made it home safely). Most people who did end up going often had the same lame excuse a long the lines of:  "I am going to be so drunk I don't care I am wasting money which could have been spent doing/buying much more relevant things". Well give your self a giant dick slap on the back then.

                   (Above: I ran the statistical "post-event" data through my ABME processor, and was able to break down the fan attendance reaction for everyone. You can thank me later.) 

Black Metal Christmas Ornaments: I am speechless. This was brought to my attention from the all collecting ones over at CultMetalCentury Media obviously feels it necessary to offer black metal x-mas ornaments to decorate your retarded Charlie Brown attempt of a christmas tree.  This is an insult to everything I stand for.   
                                   
                            (Above: Be sure to SAVE and BUY the WHOLE SET!)

One Year Anniversary:  ABME's FIRST (embarrassing) attempt at blogging happened on December 5th 2010 when I basically rehashed a threatening rant made upon my discovery of Facebook.  At the time I was going under the pseudonym The "Angry Elitist Black Metal  Elder" or "AEBME"  for short (a bit of history for all the colostomy bags who criticize the shortening of the name to the likeness of internet video game "celebrity" James Rolfe). Anyway back then, Craft's current possible Swedish Grammy winning album "Void" had not been released, so I was clearly still under the impression it was going to be amazing. Also, a rare occasion I actually make mention of a band I "like", something that I make sure not disclose unless under the influence of the strongest vodkas. We have come a long way I guess from being brought to light on Metalsucks   to bringing you up-to-the minute information on the unfolding circus known as the Weston Cage West Coast Black Metal Atrocity. 2012 brings a dark fog cloud of mystery... who knows what will happen this year... (my predictions soon).

Of course there was a bunch of other bullshit that went on in the black metal scene to further drag it's image through the mud in the past two months. However, as mentioned above, this is just a "welcome back, glad to see you still have shitty musical tastes" post, and I am keeping short and to the point.

As this post comes to a close, I realize I have a lot of work on my shoulders, and most importantly- a lot of YOUR hipster emotions to break with my narrow minded elitist views in futrue readings. Keep an eye out for the next post, because it most likely will concern you and your shitty musical tastes.

Regards,
ABME

(As always, this post was written while drunk, blasting vinyl, and full of natural hatred. No part of this was proof read for grammatical errors, nor should it be. ABME expects you to take criticism like a man, so try not to cry while reading this... even though he knows you love the new Blut aus Nord/Leviathan albums)